Resentment is killing me in a slow burn from the core out. It’s deeply seated in my subconscious working the gears to my thought process and decision making. Once I recognized how intimately intertwined with resentment I am, I realized I resent damn near everything […]
Month: December 2017
Becoming a mother, without my mother was something I thought would never happen to me or any of my younger sisters. It’s something I never imagined I would experience given the relationship my mom and I had.
My mom and I were best friends. I confided in her about everything going on in my life and always relied on her insight to get me through life. We would talk for hours while I wandered across campus in college. I could call her in a grocery store emergency and ask her what aisle I could find peanut butter. I could ask her questions about sex, alcohol, and bodily functions and always get an honest answer. We would talk about summer trips and hikes to go on, what crafts we wanted to try to make this year, and boy troubles. When I thought about my future and having my own little family, my mom was always in the picture spoiling her grandbabies and always offering to babysit. Little did I know what would transpire in three years after starting to date my now husband.
As soon as Ryan came into my life I started to rely on him more and more. He became my person and my mom was on the sideline watching. She didn’t like Ryan and she always made sure to say some sort of negative thing about him when I would tell her about our latest date or adventure. Ryan picked up on it instantly and kept telling me about it. I naturally stood up for my mom and said he was imagining it. Now that I have the hindsight of the situation, she knew he was going to be the one to take me away from her.
Fast forward almost three years. During which Ryan and I had really become best friends and our relationship was very strong. One winter weekend, Ryan got down on one knee and proposed to me. We had left our puppy with my mom that weekend so we could stay in Breckenridge with some friends, and I was so excited to see my mom and tell her the news. What should have been a joyous reaction was not. She seemed upset about it, even angry. My stepdad was not impressed either. It was not the reaction I was ready for at all. I thought for sure she would be on board for wedding planning and figuring out the perfect venue, food, dress… all of it.
Well four weeks after Ryan purposed we found out that we were pregnant. This pushed up our wedding planning by three months, and we had to scramble to see if we could still get some of our deposits back. Everyone was excited about a baby, others were maybe not too thrilled on the timing or the lack of control we were able to exhibit before the wedding. However, my mom turned into the know it all about pregnancy (she has had 4 babies) and knowing the sex of my future baby and constantly touching my belly throughout the whole thing. She was more excited about my baby than my wedding. (Which makes sense when you look at her marriage record)
From January 2014 to July 2014, a lot of things happened with my mom. She started to become more needy, complaining about her husband more, needing more time with friends to party, and creating unnecessary drama just to maintain my attention. She told lies or just didn’t tell people what was really going on. It was like something in her snapped. By the time the wedding had rolled around, I was so fed up with her I could barely make it through assembling flowers with her let alone have her keep telling me I was going to have a boy. (She was proven very wrong during our cake cutting where we did the gender reveal)
In September of 2014 I thought maybe once Addy showed up she would straighten out. Nope. She would come down and spend the night to help me out every now and then, but in October or November she came down with a frozen meal for us and then proceeded to say she was staying a friends house for her birthday party. The next day I called the house to see what the instruction were for cooking the meal she left only to find out that she wasn’t home and my step dad thought she was still with me. Come to find out she was having an affair and that weekend she used my newborn baby girl to lie about where she was to her husband. Addy was maybe a month and a half old.
That is when I lost my mom. I lost the one person I needed the most to help me through this crazy journey of motherhood. Want to know what she did next? She moved. Out of state. Just packed up and left her two younger daughters, and left her oldest daughter (a new mother) to figure out life on their own without a mom.
My heart hurt constantly after I found out she used Addy in her lies. I cried all the time. I didn’t know what to do with an infant. Ryan was working an hour and a half away so I was alone most of the time. I had milk issues and was stuck near pump all day long. I have a history of depression and with my hormones still all out of whack, my depression sucked me into the deep scary waters of postpartum depression. I had thoughts about running away and not staying to take care of Addy anymore. I had thoughts about quitting at everything in life because I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t want to admit I was having these thoughts for fear of being a bad mom until one day I was trying to do a workout and I broke down crying in the middle of my room and couldn’t stop.
I called the nurses line that night and got the help I needed and I was put on antidepressants. Once those started to take effect and help me see a little bit more clearly, I was able to find other first time moms or experienced moms to seek advice from. I took solace in my step mom and one of my sister in laws. I reached out to find mom groups both in person and online. I finally felt like I was becoming a mom and like I could participate in the joy that is my daughter’s life.
I still had the demons of the pain my mother caused me. She never owned up to her mistake, called me names in the process, and made me doubt the relationship we ever had. I have had to learn the ins and outs of who I am without her as well as the type of mom I am without her guidance. It has been a hard journey to walk through and there have been times where I have wanted to cave in and just let her back into my world. My husband has supported my decisions with my mom and always talked me through my thoughts. He has been my biggest support in all of this and helping me be the best mom I think I know how to be.
So while it hurts still to see others post about their moms on facebook, see moms and daughters in public, or even just hear stories about what a friends mom does for them and their baby… I am making it through on my own and with my people I know won’t take advantage of my family. I have found the people I needed most on this rocky road to becoming a mom without my mom, and I feel more confident in my ability to be a mom then I did before my mom existed my life. I feel more confident in my marriage knowing she has no influence over it. It’s doable to be a mom without your own mom in your life, hard yes, but find people that make you want to be the best mom to your kids and not the mom that has conditions on their love.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from postpartum depression, please ask for help. It is not a state of mind you want to mess with, but know that so many women suffer postpartum depression. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control states 11 to 20% of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you took an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get postpartum depression each year in the United States alone. Please know you aren’t alone.
Resources for help:
Signs,Symptoms, and Treatment: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/postpartum-depression-and-the-baby-blues.htm
Postpartum Depression Support Organizations by region and state: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/postpartum-depression-support-organizations-in-the-us-canada-uk-south-africa-australia-new-zealand
Postpartum Depression Recourse site: http://www.1800ppdmoms.org/
Are you feeling lethargic and bloated all of the time lately? Yeah, I’ve been there. I was there for a long time before K. Sullivan told me about the effects of soy and what it really does to our body. She suggested I cut it out. Here’s what happened when I listened to her suggestion:
Now I had never read a food label, I’d not felt the need in my life. I was on the lookout for high fructose corn syrup in foods since I have been avoiding that for about 4 years at this point. I don’t have food allergies and reading labels felt like a waste of time. You can trust manufacturers to be feeding us real food right? Wrong.
K. Sullivan told me to start looking at what all contained soy and see if I’d been consuming a lot of of it. Well I was shocked to find that soy is in pretty much everything.
So I cut it out. I decided I would cut it out for a few weeks and see if I felt different.
Well my first trip to the grocery store after making this decision took forever! I made sure to check every label before adding it to my cart, and I have to scour the labels sometimes because soy is labeled a million different ways:
- ANYTHING with Soy, Soya, Soja, or Shoyo in the name
- ANYTHING with Lecithin (variations on spelling) in the name.
- ANYTHING with Vegetable, Plant, or Bean in the name*
- ANYTHING with Guar in the name*
- ANYTHING with Xanthan or Zanthan (variations on spellings) in the name*
- ANYTHING with Vitamin E or Toccopherol (variations on spelling) in the name*
- MSG (Mono Sodium Glutamate)* (Please note that the terms "yeast extract/autolyzed yeast extract" refer to natural/hidden sources of MSG without having to be labeled as MSG. Though they are NOT soy, some people with MSG sensitivities also have trouble with these ingredients. For more information, see this website or Google "natural sources of MSG" or "hidden sources of MSG".)
- Natural and Artificial Flavor or Flavorings*
- Mono-diglyceride (variations on spelling)*
- Okara or Akara
- Glycerin/glycerine/vegetable glycerin*
- Gum Arabic
- Bulking Agent*
- Protein or Proteins*
- Protein Extender*
- 28. Stabilizer*
- TVP (Textured Vegetable Protein)*
- HVP (Hydrolized Vegetable Protein)*
- Alkyd Resin Solution
- Quaternary Ammonium Salts
- Quaternary Ammonium Compounds, Ethyldimethylsoya Alkyl, Et Soyethyldimonium Ethosulfate
- Dimethylsoya Ammonium Ethosulfate
- Alkyd Resin
- Linseed Oil, Polymer with Pentaerythritol, Phthalic Anhydride, Oil, Styrene and Vinyltoluene
- Soyaethyl Morpholinium Ethosulfate
- Morpholinium Compounds
- Ethyl Sulfates
- Soyatrimonium Chloride
- Quaternary Ammonium Compounds
- Alkyl Chlorides
And the list just goes on… See the link at the bottom of this post for the rest of this list and more resources.
I mean just look at that list! What?! I was overwhelmed looking at labels trying to figure out if I could put this food into my body or not. So I did my best. I got the food I felt safe enough to put in my body, and I went home.
The first few days, I felt like my body was going into a withdrawal. I got headaches and I wasn’t feeling great. My stomach seemed unsettled like I had food poisoning and I didn’t feel like I could put anything into it. These detox feelings lasted me probably four to five days. After the initial shock to my system I started to notice a change in the way my pants were fitting, and I wasn’t really exercising more than usual. I noticed my energy levels were higher than normal because I wasn’t coming home and falling asleep on the couch before getting dinner ready. I also noticed a change in my mental health too. I was starting to feel more positive about work and playing with my daughter.
As the weeks went on and turned into months, I have never felt better about cutting soy out of my diet! I have found the desire to exercise more and make sure I am eating right has increased. I have found rejuvenated love making my own meals. I know exactly what my family is putting into their bodies. I am recommending you to give it a try, and if you can make it the first few weeks of reading labels and having your body detox the soy out of it. You will feel like a completely different person.
*List of soy labels: http://naturalandfree.blogspot.com/p/alternative-names-for-soy-and-soy-free.html
For more information on why soy is bad check out these readings:
I'm not talking about the kind where you read other people based on what they are saying physically, I'm talking about ques your body sends you. Are you listening?
If your body could talk, what would it say about your needs and lifestyle? Would your body tell you what the gurgling in your stomach meant about your diet and how that would later affect your mood? Would it mention that you forget to warm up with stretching while exercising and your repetitive lifestyle is causing gradual discomfort, pain, injury or illness?
Why is ignoring what your body’s trying to communicate common place in our society? We ignore pain, work through it, mask it and then ask why it exists when it becomes unbearable and we’re burnt out?
Stationary lives and lack of movement greatly impact our ability to use our bodies fully and accurately. Your body wants to be balanced and well functioning. Comfort is what we seek to feel happiness. We avoid discomfort at all costs emotionally and physically. Figuring out our own health needs are difficult. It’s easier to choose convenience and place blame with thoughts like, “Genetics are to blame for our current situation” and we’re waiting for someone else to come up with a fix to our current problem.
Desire alone cannot change our lives. Until we rearrange our priorities and we choose to listen to signals being communicated with us by our own bodies, we’ll be stuck in the same routine, fighting the same internal conflict and making no progress.
Your mental state, the emotions you feel and the physical signals are all tools your body is using to communicate with you. You are the captain of your own vessel. You choose how you feel in this life. You’re in charge of your own health journey, the advice you buy into and that which you ignore. You can hear your body telling you that pain is coming before it’s painful if you pick up on those signs. Numbness, burning, tingling, awareness of individual body parts are all signals that should be listened to rather than ignored. Weight gain, mood swings, stress, and mental challenges can also be a reflection of what’s happening systematically within your body. Whatever’s calling your attention, that part of your body trying to tell you there’s an issue before it becomes something worse. Are you ready to listen and take action?
I’ll step off my apple core now.
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