I Let It Fester, Resentment.

Resentment is killing me in a slow burn from the core out. It’s deeply seated in my subconscious working the gears to my thought process and decision making. Once I recognized how intimately intertwined with resentment I am, I realized I resent damn near everything and everyone - including me.

I know I’ve got to focus on letting go of this festering emotion. That journey seems excruciating and long. I have tools, I’m using them to the best of my ability while maintaining a busy life and heavily pursuing high stress goals. I’ve adapted a self care routine as chronic pain maintenance - but I still feel the resentment. When I see other people wasting their perfectly healthy lives away, I feel resentful. When people talk about food or I dine out with others I am the embodiment of envy, jealousy, and resentment.

I don’t want to throw a pity party, but sometimes being angry and holding onto my resentful feelings is more empowering than actually accepting where I’m at and what I need.

The reasons I could hold onto resentment are copious. Abandonment. Addiction. Sarcasm at my expense. Being a low priority for myself and others. Perfection. Appearances. Food. Health. Optimism. Intelligence. Attitudes. Beliefs. Expectations unmet and so on. I recognize how full I am with resentment.

I Let It Fester

I’m made up of resentment.

I didn’t realize previously

It’s not my discontent, which

Is meant to cover up the truth

Of what I feel. I am overflowing

with resentment. Tortured

turmoil, my tormented reality,

Unrecognizably surreal.

My indignation wasn't enough

Showing me your malice I had

No inkling of rebuff, displayed

My bleeding self on my sleeve,

Begged you for kindness

Begged you not to leave

Begged you for reprieve

All I perceive now is my

Resentment.

I’m disgraced by your offense

You’re vexing, a sour lemon peel.

I can’t eradicate your

taste. A sting deeply

Ingrained. Stuff cotton in

My face, silence my needs.

Pour your Insanity

into the cuts  where

you carved your name.

Suffocate me with resentment.

I can’t let go of this affront

My life is not a game.

Bitterness engulfs my mouth

Your dandelion words are blown

Into me to spread their seed.

Like hot bile seeping down my throat as

I repeat your choice of words.

They irritate all my sense of self worth.

I resent what you made me believe.

Taking advantage of my naive,

Resentment.

I believed I was broken, your

Outlandish in creative cruelty.

I will hold this grudge forever

I won’t forget, can’t forgive all

The ways you’ve treated me,

I resent it. I cling onto this

Grudge with animosity.

Resentment.

At least I was filled with resentment. I know and truly believe our emotional experiences live within our body and manifest in ways I don’t fully understand. Holding onto resentment gave me an illusion of comfort but I’m ready and willing to work through it, get past it. I need to let these resentful feelings leave me. I need a new state of subconscious thought.

I refuse to start another year with a heart full of loathing and self disdain. I no longer want to feel envy or jealousy when someone else eats something that’s on my restricted list resenting them for weeks afterwards. I want to feel at peace with where I’m at in my journey and have faith in where it’s taking me. I want to forgive anyone I feel resentment for  from my recent or distant past. I believe that this part of my life’s path was necessary. I had to learn to let go and how to move forward with clear, calm repose as my new demeanor.

I'm starting this year with self-love. I will be my own friend, advocate and life coach. I intend to print this, burn the copy and give my resentment to the universe. I’m asking the universe to replace the resentment that fills my body with peace and tranquility. (Thanks to my psychologist for the suggestion.)

I understand that each individual is carrying their own burden, and theirs weighs just as heavily for them as mine does for me. Together we can help uplift, grow and be the best versions of ourselves we can be.  

I know in part, I am struggling with resenting myself. I feel I can only blame the me I was for the who I am now, but I don’t want to blame me or resent myself anymore. I’m grateful for the me I’m becoming and the challenges that drive me to be better. I only have past K to thank for getting me here. I’m more enlightened having taken this resentment eradication journey.

It will take continuous effort and time. I must acknowledge, label and process what’s eating at my core. I must also be willing to let it go, set it free and be willing to replace it with whatever goodness I’d like my life to include.

With more attention to self and willingness to process I can address questions like: What might go wrong if I let go of resentment? Why do I resent myself? What’s the cost of holding onto resentment?

I’ll ask myself what truth’s I might not have shared, what truths I need to share and what’s the truths I need. I’ll try to set realistic expectations forth for myself and others. I communicate my expectations clearly. I’ll work towards a positive outlook. I’ll seek lessons in every obstacle and try to treat any outcomes as learning lessons.

It will take time, resilience and effort to process all the emotions tied up with how resentful I’ve felt. Resentment runs intrinsically through me and pulling it out one thread at a time will be costly. I’m ready to accept the price and put in the mandatory effort to see my ideal self come to fruition. I’m on a quest, I’m trying to become the best version of myself. Through active thinking and analyzing versus internalizing and stifling I know I’ll be able to change my emotional state for the better.

Apple Out, 

K. Sullivan