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A Day In Hell

A Day In Hell

A stream of intense emotions hits me at once ranging from complete self loathing, disgust with my body, fear of my continued suffering experience – to guilt, despair, and shame about how useless I believe myself to be. Some mornings I wake up with blinding […]

Turn Auto Pilot Off

Turn Auto Pilot Off

How automatic are you in your day, in your life? How do you respond to the world around you? What patterns do you have? Do you compromise yourself physically with repetitive trauma, like carrying groceries in the same single hand and keys in the other […]

I Let It Fester, Resentment.

I Let It Fester, Resentment.

Resentment is killing me in a slow burn from the core out. It’s deeply seated in my subconscious working the gears to my thought process and decision making. Once I recognized how intimately intertwined with resentment I am, I realized I resent damn near everything and everyone - including me.

I know I’ve got to focus on letting go of this festering emotion. That journey seems excruciating and long. I have tools, I’m using them to the best of my ability while maintaining a busy life and heavily pursuing high stress goals. I’ve adapted a self care routine as chronic pain maintenance - but I still feel the resentment. When I see other people wasting their perfectly healthy lives away, I feel resentful. When people talk about food or I dine out with others I am the embodiment of envy, jealousy, and resentment.

I don’t want to throw a pity party, but sometimes being angry and holding onto my resentful feelings is more empowering than actually accepting where I’m at and what I need.

The reasons I could hold onto resentment are copious. Abandonment. Addiction. Sarcasm at my expense. Being a low priority for myself and others. Perfection. Appearances. Food. Health. Optimism. Intelligence. Attitudes. Beliefs. Expectations unmet and so on. I recognize how full I am with resentment.

 

I Let It Fester

I’m made up of resentment.

I didn’t realize previously

It’s not my discontent, which

Is meant to cover up the truth

Of what I feel. I am overflowing

with resentment. Tortured

turmoil, my tormented reality,

Unrecognizably surreal.

 

My indignation wasn't enough

Showing me your malice I had

No inkling of rebuff, displayed

My bleeding self on my sleeve,

Begged you for kindness

Begged you not to leave

Begged you for reprieve

All I perceive now is my

Resentment.

 

I’m disgraced by your offense

You’re vexing, a sour lemon peel.

I can’t eradicate your

taste. A sting deeply

Ingrained. Stuff cotton in

My face, silence my needs.

Pour your Insanity

into the cuts  where

you carved your name.

Suffocate me with resentment.

 

I can’t let go of this affront

My life is not a game.

Bitterness engulfs my mouth

Your dandelion words are blown

Into me to spread their seed.

Like hot bile seeping down my throat as

I repeat your choice of words.

They irritate all my sense of self worth.

I resent what you made me believe.

Taking advantage of my naive,

Resentment.

 

I believed I was broken, your

Outlandish in creative cruelty.

I will hold this grudge forever

I won’t forget, can’t forgive all

The ways you’ve treated me,

I resent it. I cling onto this

Grudge with animosity.

Resentment.

 

At least I was filled with resentment. I know and truly believe our emotional experiences live within our body and manifest in ways I don’t fully understand. Holding onto resentment gave me an illusion of comfort but I’m ready and willing to work through it, get past it. I need to let these resentful feelings leave me. I need a new state of subconscious thought.

I refuse to start another year with a heart full of loathing and self disdain. I no longer want to feel envy or jealousy when someone else eats something that’s on my restricted list resenting them for weeks afterwards. I want to feel at peace with where I’m at in my journey and have faith in where it’s taking me. I want to forgive anyone I feel resentment for  from my recent or distant past. I believe that this part of my life’s path was necessary. I had to learn to let go and how to move forward with clear, calm repose as my new demeanor.

I'm starting this year with self-love. I will be my own friend, advocate and life coach. I intend to print this, burn the copy and give my resentment to the universe. I’m asking the universe to replace the resentment that fills my body with peace and tranquility. (Thanks to my psychologist for the suggestion.)

I understand that each individual is carrying their own burden, and theirs weighs just as heavily for them as mine does for me. Together we can help uplift, grow and be the best versions of ourselves we can be.  

I know in part, I am struggling with resenting myself. I feel I can only blame the me I was for the who I am now, but I don’t want to blame me or resent myself anymore. I’m grateful for the me I’m becoming and the challenges that drive me to be better. I only have past K to thank for getting me here. I’m more enlightened having taken this resentment eradication journey.

It will take continuous effort and time. I must acknowledge, label and process what’s eating at my core. I must also be willing to let it go, set it free and be willing to replace it with whatever goodness I’d like my life to include.

With more attention to self and willingness to process I can address questions like: What might go wrong if I let go of resentment? Why do I resent myself? What’s the cost of holding onto resentment?

I’ll ask myself what truth’s I might not have shared, what truths I need to share and what’s the truths I need. I’ll try to set realistic expectations forth for myself and others. I communicate my expectations clearly. I’ll work towards a positive outlook. I’ll seek lessons in every obstacle and try to treat any outcomes as learning lessons.

It will take time, resilience and effort to process all the emotions tied up with how resentful I’ve felt. Resentment runs intrinsically through me and pulling it out one thread at a time will be costly. I’m ready to accept the price and put in the mandatory effort to see my ideal self come to fruition. I’m on a quest, I’m trying to become the best version of myself. Through active thinking and analyzing versus internalizing and stifling I know I’ll be able to change my emotional state for the better.

 

Apple Out, 

K. Sullivan

Quitting Toxic Influences

Quitting Toxic Influences

As of late, my counselor and I have been speaking about friends and coworkers who seem to be causing me some anxiety when I think about interacting with them. I have to try and explain the anxiety they cause me and why I feel anxious […]

Becoming a Mother, Without my Mother

Becoming a Mother, Without my Mother

Becoming a mother, without my mother was something I thought would never happen to me or any of my younger sisters. It’s something I never imagined I would experience given the relationship my mom and I had. My mom and I were best friends. I […]

Time to Let Go

Time to Let Go

I know I am not the only one that wakes up at two in the morning, and starts thinking about old relationships or people I once knew. The ever racing anxiety I live with that wakes me up, creates this need to relive the end of every previous encounter with another person in my short twenty nine years of life. Maybe these thoughts don’t stir you from sleep, but aren’t there moments when you start to wonder about the friend you had, the person you knew, the relationship you lost; maybe sometimes you can’t seem to shake the memory?

Recently my thoughts revolve around if I need to be invested in maintaining relationships I don’t feel are two way streets.The relationships where I am constantly giving of myself to help that person and not having it reciprocated. The relationships that are mentally draining and borderline abusive. I am in a never ending battle of do I really need these people in my life, asking myself:

  • When is the last time I really felt like they valued me?
  • Who seems to put more work into supporting the mental health of the other person?
  • Am I the one always there to be supportive in a crisis, however, when I need support they aren’t available?  

Really, it’s hard to say who I do need in my life or not. From my own work with a counselor and talking through the way anyone who makes me feel uncertain, insecure or question my worth - and causes my anxiety to skyrocket, I believe it’s time to let those people go.

This is where the process is hard for me because while I am good at handling daily confrontation at work or home - when it comes to people - those I have grown to care for like family - I struggle at the idea of a permanent goodbye. I have always wrestled with myself about saying the right things in a break up, and I am a little awkward  when it comes to the moment of ending a relationship.

Think about watching a middle school dance and witnessing the awkwardness of a dance ending. The two students stand there for a moment thanking each other, then the next song starts and they weirdly sway to the music unsure if they are going to keep dancing together or not. Then all of the sudden the girl walks off, leaving the boy there wearing a shocked look. Yep… that’s what I do.

After the break up - the hard part is when I have cared so deeply for someone, I can’t help but wonder if they are ok? Are the happy? Did they finally find peace in their life? Regardless of why I decided they no longer fit into my world, I still care about them and wish them well (majority of the time).

I speak with my counselor about this a lot because I have had to do a lot of breaking up with family members, friends, and jobs. The conversations revolve a lot around my mom, and whether or not I should include her in my life after all of the pain she has caused me. This is by far the hardest thing for me to talk about with my counselor because I truly miss my mother and her love. I miss her so much my heart wants to literally shatter from the pain and suffering she has caused me, and even though I am a grown woman with my own family I simply need my mom. I want her to help kiss away the pain I suffer from on a day to day basis of seeing other mother/daughter relationships I will never get to experience. So when I am feeling this way and wanting to reach out to talk to my mom, my counselor reminds me about this break up process I am in the middle of and I can’t really go back now because it wouldn’t really solve the pain she caused me or prevent further suffering. My counselor explains to me often, I need to keep pushing forward through the break up because if I just let my mother back in my mother won’t truly understand the effect of her actions on me or my family. She also asks me to think about if I would want to allow my mother back in to cause me more pain when I have been making progress in not letting her hurt me.

Even though I know my counselor is right about all of these things, sometimes I want to just talk with my mom like I used to. I can’t though. Our relationship is so strained, I know we will never have the mother/daughter relationship I crave so deeply. It’s time to let it go.

Later apples,

L.Bohlinger

The Tragedy of a Desk Jockey

The Tragedy of a Desk Jockey

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, poetry specifically has always called to me with a deep well of need. I thought desk life was going to be my destiny, and this belief became more clear through my job pursuits – customer service, ad service […]

The Soy Free Life

The Soy Free Life

Are you feeling lethargic and bloated all of the time lately? Yeah, I’ve been there. I was there for a long time before K. Sullivan told me about the effects of soy and what it really does to our body. She suggested I cut it […]

Prep all the meals!

Prep all the meals!

Meal Prep.

Two words we say all the time. Are you starting to shudder at these two buzz words?

“Prep all the meals!”

“If you meal prep you will be better prepared for the week/month/day.”

Trust me when I say I am the queen of planning and staying organized, but I absolutely cringe on meal prep days. There is something about being in the kitchen for hours (though it feels like days by the time I am done) that causes me to dread meal prep. Not to mention that I absolutely hate clean up afterwards.

So what’s the point of meal prepping if it’s making me feel so miserable? The reason why I started meal prepping is because I’m a busy mom. I have a three-year-old who runs around like crazy and is constantly vying for my attention. I have two puppies that need walks or the ball thrown in the yard after work. I also have a husband who’s a picky eater.

One of the other reasons why I started doing frozen meal prepping for myself and family is because the number of byproducts, preservatives and unknowns that go into store bought frozen meals. Obviously the intentions of the preservatives is to help keep the food have a longer shelf life. However, a problem I experience when I eat foods containing those preservatives is they make my body feel disgusting. When those nasty preservatives enter into my system they make me feel as if I am about float away on a bloated liferaft. I puff up and become lethargic because those tiny little preservatives have a way of creating a chemical reaction in my body where I feel and look like I have gained four pounds. Sure, the bloating subsides in a few days, but my insides are twisting with gas bubbles causing me to cramp up and feel like I should be prepping for Aunt Flo, but in reality my body is trying to reject the toxins I have forced into my mouth. It is not a pleasant couple of days trying to detox.

I also meal prep because I have worked hard to get to a point feeling comfortable and confident in my body, and that means being aware of what I am putting into my system. I like to know the exact things that are going into my body, and by making my meals ahead of time I can feel confident my hard work isn’t going to be lost in just one meal. (Now I still have the occasional treat or “bad” meal- See “You gotta do you”) I make sure my meals have a healthy balance of veggies, meat, and grains. Why? Because salads are boring and I am not a rabbit and don’t want to live off just veggies. I avoid soy in all of my snacks and meals. Why? Studies and information out there are saying due to the massive genetic modifications surrounding soy production, soybean’s have lost any nutritional value and are instead the equivalent of formaldehyde in trying to preserve your insides while you are still alive- your body can’t process it. (See “My Soy Journey”) My recommendation: Stop putting these unnecessary, modified additives into your body. Now!

Alright, now I know you are all here for the tips on meal prepping and maybe even to “borrow” some of the recipes I have used. So, I will move on to the nitty gritty of it.

The very first thing you need to do is find the recipes that fit your tastes, budget and dietary needs. Pinterest is full of frozen meal recipes, but the tricky part is finding the healthy ones. One of the reasons I choose to meal prep frozen meals is because the food lasts longer in the freezer rather than having all of the meals cooked ahead of time to go bad in the fridge while I wait to eat the first meal. I prefer frozen meals too because the recipes tend to make a lot of food which is great for lunches the next day as well as dinner for the next few nights. This makes the frozen meals themselves last longer, and making less prep/work for you later in the month versus prepping week to week.)

The next thing you should look for when trying to find frozen meal recipes is if they have already put together the grocery list for you. No it is not cheating. Think smarter, not harder. You want to make this an easy thing to do, not a pain in the ass thing.

Finally you need to buy your supplies for the meal prep. Gallon bags. Sharpie to label the bags. Food. You can buy the bag stands off of amazon if you really want to, but I personally don’t have them. https://www.amazon.com/Jokari-Hands-Free-Storage-Holder-2-Pack/dp/B0049NQEKO/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1511102711&sr=8-5&keywords=bag+stand&dpID=41KFjt%252BUNgL&preST=_SX300_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

Ok. Now for the recipes. In preparing for this post I went back to Pinterest and found most of my frozen meal recipes have come from New Leaf Wellness (https://newleafwellness.biz/ ) she shares a similar philosophy when it comes to meal prep and keeping it healthy. She has additional tips and trick on her page for each meal as well as the price per meal if you are trying to stick to a budget. I typically will pick four to five recipes and double them when I am making them so I end up with more prepped food and less headache later on. The beauty of this is I can mix and match recipes, keep the favorites in the mix, and not get in a rut with the same frozen meals on repeat.

New Leaf has the grocery lists created for you and if you are planning on doubling up on the recipe just buy double the ingredients. (Simple math people) I would also suggest making sure you have all of the dry ingredients before you go to the store or you will have to make an extra trip to the store just for that one bottle of smoked paprika or cumin. The point of meal prep is to get all the shopping done in one trip so you don’t have to go back, no one has time for that.

What about sides for these frozen meals? I will usually buy the frozen vegetables so they don’t go bad or I will throw some sweet potatoes in the oven either whole or as fries. Sometimes I make rice for sides or have tortillas on hand for some of the mexican meals.

The best part of these frozen meals you put them in the crockpot in the morning and they are ready for you when you come home from work! Knowing I have a fresh healthy meal ready for me at home helps me resist stopping and grabbing fast food or crap food for dinner. I spend so much less time in the kitchen and more time with my family using frozen meals. The best part is I don’t have to worry about feeling crappy the next day because I know exactly what is in the food I am eating.

How do you meal prep? What are some of your favorite recipes? Share in the comments.

Later Apples,

L. Bohlinger  

Be You Bad Apple – Work Through It

Be You Bad Apple – Work Through It

Breathe  It’s only one life You’re living in Time to human Up, be your Own best friend Pickup your feet Don’t let them Drag. You’re a Wonderful gift To this earth Get busy Get moving On your Journey There’s no Time to lag. Breathe, work […]