Tag: pain

I’m Dying of Being a Girl

I’m Dying of Being a Girl

The worst part of being a girl; the part that brings shame, snide remarks and uncomfortable glances… (even though it shouldn’t) …when we talk about it; a highly misunderstood and rejected part of being a human female – Menstruation. This monthly cycle of pleasantries always […]

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

I’m going to ask you to imagine an experience. This experience should feel traumatic, scary and overwhelming. Delve into your imagination and envision burning, urgent discomfort. Agony bursts through to your brain’s pain center, telling you there’s knives slicing up your midsection. Your most intimate […]

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic (A Poem)

Whenever I see my Physician for

Diagnostic maintenance I remind her,

Steadfast, I’m not interested in drugs.

I only want to feel differently, better

Than I presently do. Some nights I

Go to bed terrified, anxious I won’t

Rise for the next day. When I do

Wake, I cry for reasons I don’t

Fully recognize. Other than pain.

I know pain well. It’s unbearable,

Weird, awkwardly terrible. My

Pain’s embarrassing. I’m not

Embarrassed that I’m suffering

The wrath of Frank in my loans.

I’m embarrassed that other

People get uncomfortable

When I try to communicate

My agony. Frank’s this real

Monster living inside of me.

Frank the fire flaring IC man,

Starting fires and causing

Inflammation. I’m riddled with

Deceitful urgency dragging

Me out of sleep, meetings,

Social engagements. My

Intimate cavern expands then

Clenches in time with my heart

beat but a step ahead. I dare

Not breathe a deeper breath

As to not upset the balance.

Frank will not let me rest easy.

My Doctor seems uninterested in the

Journey I’m taking. Her phrasing

Leaves me hollow, plagued with inner

Doubt and inquisition. She’s said,

“Psychosomatic, psychologist, stress.

You’re anxiety’s getting the best of

You. You’ll do better with more rest.”

I have real visible symptoms. My suffering

Exists. Lesions line my bladder while

Hives my ribs. Psychosomatic. Like

I made the whole thing up? There’s

Nothing like being called crazy to make

You feel like you’re crazy.  I know my

Sufferings real. I physically see signs

Swelling irritation I feel the urgency,

Burning, stabbing pain all the time

I'm stressed, yes, but she won't tell me

What to do with the the anxiety or how

To manage she just gave me more -

In telling me my issues may be.

Psychosomatic.

Yes I experience negative self talk,

But that doesn’t make me crazy. I may

Spend hours arguing with myself over

Why I'm stupid only I don't know who

To believe because both arguments

seem valid. Does that make me

Psychosomatic?

Frank’s no longer just creating fires

In my loans, he’s  in my head. I believe

She believes I'm psychosomatic, my PCP

That is - how do you not have anxiety in

Today’s age where so much is asked of

Each individual. Everything I do makes

Me nervous. Everything I do makes me

Question everything I do. I can't breathe.

Ever. I never take a real breath. Air is never

Satisfying. I don’t always know what’s real.

Does my mind do this to my body or my

Body do this to my mind? I refuse to believe

This is all in my head. I’ll keep seeking answers

And fight the negative self talk telling me,

“I’m better off dead.”

A Day In Hell

A Day In Hell

A stream of intense emotions hits me at once ranging from complete self loathing, disgust with my body, fear of my continued suffering experience – to guilt, despair, and shame about how useless I believe myself to be. Some mornings I wake up with blinding […]

The Tragedy of a Desk Jockey

The Tragedy of a Desk Jockey

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, poetry specifically has always called to me with a deep well of need. I thought desk life was going to be my destiny, and this belief became more clear through my job pursuits – customer service, ad service […]

Are You Listening to Your Body’s Language?

Are You Listening to Your Body’s Language?

I'm not talking about the kind where you read other people based on what they are saying physically, I'm talking about ques your body sends you. Are you listening?

If your body could talk, what would it say about your needs and lifestyle? Would your body tell you what the gurgling in your stomach meant about your diet and how that would later affect your mood? Would it mention that you forget to warm up with stretching while exercising and your repetitive lifestyle is causing gradual discomfort, pain, injury or illness?

Why is ignoring what your body’s trying to communicate common place in our society? We ignore pain, work through it, mask it and then ask why it exists when it becomes unbearable and we’re burnt out?

Stationary lives and lack of movement greatly impact our ability to use our bodies fully and accurately. Your body wants to be balanced and well functioning. Comfort is what we seek to feel happiness. We avoid discomfort at all costs emotionally and physically. Figuring out our own health needs are difficult. It’s easier to choose convenience and place blame with thoughts like, “Genetics are to blame for our current situation” and we’re waiting for someone else to come up with a fix to our current problem.

Desire alone cannot change our lives. Until we rearrange our priorities and we choose to listen to signals being communicated with us by our own bodies, we’ll be stuck in the same routine, fighting the same internal conflict and making no progress.

Your mental state, the emotions you feel and the physical signals are all tools your body is using to communicate with you. You are the captain of your own vessel. You choose how you feel in this life. You’re in charge of your own health journey, the advice you buy into and that which you ignore. You can hear your body telling you that pain is coming before it’s painful if you pick up on those signs. Numbness, burning, tingling, awareness of individual body parts are all signals that should be listened to rather than ignored. Weight gain, mood swings, stress, and mental challenges can also be a reflection of what’s happening systematically within your body. Whatever’s calling your attention, that part of your body trying to tell you there’s an issue before it becomes something worse. Are you ready to listen and take action?

I’ll step off my apple core now.

Apple Out, 

K. Sullivan

What’s your story apple?

What’s your story apple?

I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain […]