The worst part of being a girl; the part that brings shame, snide remarks and uncomfortable glances… (even though it shouldn’t) …when we talk about it; a highly misunderstood and rejected part of being a human female – Menstruation. This monthly cycle of pleasantries always […]
I’m going to ask you to imagine an experience. This experience should feel traumatic, scary and overwhelming. Delve into your imagination and envision burning, urgent discomfort. Agony bursts through to your brain’s pain center, telling you there’s knives slicing up your midsection. Your most intimate […]
Psychosomatic (A Poem)
Whenever I see my Physician for
Diagnostic maintenance I remind her,
Steadfast, I’m not interested in drugs.
I only want to feel differently, better
Than I presently do. Some nights I
Go to bed terrified, anxious I won’t
Rise for the next day. When I do
Wake, I cry for reasons I don’t
Fully recognize. Other than pain.
I know pain well. It’s unbearable,
Weird, awkwardly terrible. My
Pain’s embarrassing. I’m not
Embarrassed that I’m suffering
The wrath of Frank in my loans.
I’m embarrassed that other
People get uncomfortable
When I try to communicate
My agony. Frank’s this real
Monster living inside of me.
Frank the fire flaring IC man,
Starting fires and causing
Inflammation. I’m riddled with
Deceitful urgency dragging
Me out of sleep, meetings,
Social engagements. My
Intimate cavern expands then
Clenches in time with my heart
beat but a step ahead. I dare
Not breathe a deeper breath
As to not upset the balance.
Frank will not let me rest easy.
My Doctor seems uninterested in the
Journey I’m taking. Her phrasing
Leaves me hollow, plagued with inner
Doubt and inquisition. She’s said,
“Psychosomatic, psychologist, stress.
You’re anxiety’s getting the best of
You. You’ll do better with more rest.”
I have real visible symptoms. My suffering
Exists. Lesions line my bladder while
Hives my ribs. Psychosomatic. Like
I made the whole thing up? There’s
Nothing like being called crazy to make
You feel like you’re crazy. I know my
Sufferings real. I physically see signs
Swelling irritation I feel the urgency,
Burning, stabbing pain all the time
I'm stressed, yes, but she won't tell me
What to do with the the anxiety or how
To manage she just gave me more -
In telling me my issues may be.
Yes I experience negative self talk,
But that doesn’t make me crazy. I may
Spend hours arguing with myself over
Why I'm stupid only I don't know who
To believe because both arguments
seem valid. Does that make me
Frank’s no longer just creating fires
In my loans, he’s in my head. I believe
She believes I'm psychosomatic, my PCP
That is - how do you not have anxiety in
Today’s age where so much is asked of
Each individual. Everything I do makes
Me nervous. Everything I do makes me
Question everything I do. I can't breathe.
Ever. I never take a real breath. Air is never
Satisfying. I don’t always know what’s real.
Does my mind do this to my body or my
Body do this to my mind? I refuse to believe
This is all in my head. I’ll keep seeking answers
And fight the negative self talk telling me,
“I’m better off dead.”
I'm not talking about the kind where you read other people based on what they are saying physically, I'm talking about ques your body sends you. Are you listening?
If your body could talk, what would it say about your needs and lifestyle? Would your body tell you what the gurgling in your stomach meant about your diet and how that would later affect your mood? Would it mention that you forget to warm up with stretching while exercising and your repetitive lifestyle is causing gradual discomfort, pain, injury or illness?
Why is ignoring what your body’s trying to communicate common place in our society? We ignore pain, work through it, mask it and then ask why it exists when it becomes unbearable and we’re burnt out?
Stationary lives and lack of movement greatly impact our ability to use our bodies fully and accurately. Your body wants to be balanced and well functioning. Comfort is what we seek to feel happiness. We avoid discomfort at all costs emotionally and physically. Figuring out our own health needs are difficult. It’s easier to choose convenience and place blame with thoughts like, “Genetics are to blame for our current situation” and we’re waiting for someone else to come up with a fix to our current problem.
Desire alone cannot change our lives. Until we rearrange our priorities and we choose to listen to signals being communicated with us by our own bodies, we’ll be stuck in the same routine, fighting the same internal conflict and making no progress.
Your mental state, the emotions you feel and the physical signals are all tools your body is using to communicate with you. You are the captain of your own vessel. You choose how you feel in this life. You’re in charge of your own health journey, the advice you buy into and that which you ignore. You can hear your body telling you that pain is coming before it’s painful if you pick up on those signs. Numbness, burning, tingling, awareness of individual body parts are all signals that should be listened to rather than ignored. Weight gain, mood swings, stress, and mental challenges can also be a reflection of what’s happening systematically within your body. Whatever’s calling your attention, that part of your body trying to tell you there’s an issue before it becomes something worse. Are you ready to listen and take action?
I’ll step off my apple core now.
I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain […]