I thought I had it under control. I didn’t think I was letting it take over my body or my life. Turns out I was stifling and stuffing all along. Stress will kill you much faster than you’d choose to die. I see it in […]
Month: October 2019
Right now, in this moment, I’m alive.
I know that much to be true. The problem is, I’m afraid and stuck. Stagnant in my fear of what does this mean as I analyze each human body experience I am having and question what’s “normal” and what’s “healthy” and what’s “best for my unique body.”
The “what if” question always nags at me, and the fear of death and dying are always looming. Anxiety takes me to the place of a stubbed toe, resulting in a skin eating virus or bacteria that ultimately kills me. (That hasn’t happened, but the fear of it is real, all the while the toe throbs). I know each of us inevitably meets an end in this short span of human existence, but I’m afraid to face my own mortality. Isn’t everyone?
If I force myself to face what ails me - own all of my experiences and seek solutions to them, I’m left asking what if it really is permanent? What if I’m wrong and all my journey is for nothing, because I really am just broken and doomed to live life at the cost of quality? What if my life is left with mitigation of symptoms instead of a future I desire? What if we really only struggle and then die?
I’m in a dark place. Experiencing suffering, the likes of which make me hateful. Existing is already exhausting and adding layers to the misery with labels or potentials is frightening.
I want answers. I want to believe there’s more to life than surviving; I repeat this desire to myself over and over again, but still don’t believe my own lie.
I feel like I should be able to thrive. I want to feel happy without the always present awareness of some symptom, issue, problem with my own body. I don’t care what other people SEE, what I feel is miserable more often than not.
How can some people not have as much pain, discomfort, complaints? Is it the genetic mutations? The code within my DNA? Or are we ignorant to how we should feel? Are we all buying into the “normal” setting as something achievable? Maintainable?
Is it truly my inability to manage stress?
Money = STRESS
Health = STRESS
Existing = STRESS
“Normal” doesn’t mean healthy just because it’s often experienced by a wide variety of people.
Then there’s money and finances; How can any one person pursue their healing - especially on a natural path while maintaining a full time job, high cost of living, and a consumerist culture? I’m struggling with it every fucking day. So what’s next?
How can I be over this life and fear living it at the same time?
How can I be so trapped in my own head by both symptoms and thoughts?
I’ve lost touch with reality and closed doors on friends because I don’t know how to communicate with anyone. You ask me how I’m doing and I lie. I’m not okay most days.
All I see is gray. Wishing this fleeting moment would end, because I feel stuck in a loop.
Though my intentions are not to stay stuck in my own cycle; some days are harder than others to drag myself out of bed and move through the motions. I do it anyway; though I have fears I face them daily on my journey towards naturally healing and I only ever want the same for anybody else.