Over Indulgences

Over Indulgences

A Tale Of Self Destruction

Emotion. I eat.

Boredom. I eat.

Denial. I eat.

A web of inflammation weaves its way through my tissue connections, starting viscerally and ever expanding.

Pain. I eat.

Sorrow. I eat.

Stress. I eat.

Joy. I eat.

As night drags on, I thrash around my bed, unable to calm the ever growing bloated belly. 

Fear. I eat.

Desire. I eat.

Disappointment. I eat.

Envy. I eat.

Disconnection. I eat.

I swear to myself I will never do this again, as I use visualization to push past the anxious thoughts of my insides exploding from the food trauma I've caused.

Awake. I eat.

Avoid. I eat.

The cycle begins again. A failed experiment in will power each and every time. By the end of every day, my will power battery has drained and the "fuck it, just one more bite" monster resumes his control of my hand to mouth.

Fullness. I eat.

Side effects include: gut pain, indigestion, bloating, gas, a sharp drop in self esteem, and a gradual uptick on the scale. There was a time I had this situation under better control. I loved myself enough to know when to stop. I wasn't ruled by hand to mouth. The more disappointed I am in myself, the more the cycle repeats. 

I know what I must do. Power through and rewrite the hand to mouth montage I let myself revert too. This year's been extra challenging when it comes to self care. I've been more successful at self destruction and slipping into old patterns.

I know it's not about being perfect all the time, but boy oh boy do I struggle at giving myself grace when I fall off that "I'm going places and accomplishing my goals wagon."

I rolled around in self pity and denial long enough. Time to chase that sucker down and take over the drive seat. 

What cycles of over indulgence are you trying to break?

For me, this is one of many, but I know when I regain my self control over food I feel better and it's one that really affects me negatively physically and mentally. If I tackle this, it frees up bandwidth for me to address other points where I'm lacking adequate self love and need better habits. 

Apple out,

K. Sullivan

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