Time to Let Go
I know I am not the only one that wakes up at two in the morning, and starts thinking about old relationships or people I once knew. The ever racing anxiety I live with that wakes me up, creates this need to relive the end of every previous encounter with another person in my short twenty nine years of life. Maybe these thoughts don’t stir you from sleep, but aren’t there moments when you start to wonder about the friend you had, the person you knew, the relationship you lost; maybe sometimes you can’t seem to shake the memory?
Recently my thoughts revolve around if I need to be invested in maintaining relationships I don’t feel are two way streets.The relationships where I am constantly giving of myself to help that person and not having it reciprocated. The relationships that are mentally draining and borderline abusive. I am in a never ending battle of do I really need these people in my life, asking myself:
- When is the last time I really felt like they valued me?
- Who seems to put more work into supporting the mental health of the other person?
- Am I the one always there to be supportive in a crisis, however, when I need support they aren’t available?
Really, it’s hard to say who I do need in my life or not. From my own work with a counselor and talking through the way anyone who makes me feel uncertain, insecure or question my worth - and causes my anxiety to skyrocket, I believe it’s time to let those people go.
This is where the process is hard for me because while I am good at handling daily confrontation at work or home - when it comes to people - those I have grown to care for like family - I struggle at the idea of a permanent goodbye. I have always wrestled with myself about saying the right things in a break up, and I am a little awkward when it comes to the moment of ending a relationship.
Think about watching a middle school dance and witnessing the awkwardness of a dance ending. The two students stand there for a moment thanking each other, then the next song starts and they weirdly sway to the music unsure if they are going to keep dancing together or not. Then all of the sudden the girl walks off, leaving the boy there wearing a shocked look. Yep… that’s what I do.
After the break up - the hard part is when I have cared so deeply for someone, I can’t help but wonder if they are ok? Are the happy? Did they finally find peace in their life? Regardless of why I decided they no longer fit into my world, I still care about them and wish them well (majority of the time).
I speak with my counselor about this a lot because I have had to do a lot of breaking up with family members, friends, and jobs. The conversations revolve a lot around my mom, and whether or not I should include her in my life after all of the pain she has caused me. This is by far the hardest thing for me to talk about with my counselor because I truly miss my mother and her love. I miss her so much my heart wants to literally shatter from the pain and suffering she has caused me, and even though I am a grown woman with my own family I simply need my mom. I want her to help kiss away the pain I suffer from on a day to day basis of seeing other mother/daughter relationships I will never get to experience. So when I am feeling this way and wanting to reach out to talk to my mom, my counselor reminds me about this break up process I am in the middle of and I can’t really go back now because it wouldn’t really solve the pain she caused me or prevent further suffering. My counselor explains to me often, I need to keep pushing forward through the break up because if I just let my mother back in my mother won’t truly understand the effect of her actions on me or my family. She also asks me to think about if I would want to allow my mother back in to cause me more pain when I have been making progress in not letting her hurt me.
Even though I know my counselor is right about all of these things, sometimes I want to just talk with my mom like I used to. I can’t though. Our relationship is so strained, I know we will never have the mother/daughter relationship I crave so deeply. It’s time to let it go.