I don’t see myself as. I took on fitness training in a functional fitness gym this last year. As a trainer, I gradually became more and more focused on changes I saw and those that I didn’t see fast enough, in my body. I know […]
Interstitial Cystitis -an autoimmune xxperience, I flare, pelvic floor tension, low back and hip pain – all engulf my body much more frequently than I’d like. Some days I am able to manage symptoms, but at other times they are terribly unbearable. Sensations to the […]
Pleasure amplified, and pain dulled, all with hand to mouth action. The step I take to procrastinate and feel good about doing so is eating. Stuffing my face until I’m painfully stuffed. Filled and overflowing with food to the point where only sleep or vomit could possibly alleviate the excruciating stretch of my stomach lining. I feel the expansion of my midsection with inflammation as my insides work overtime to undo the damage I shove in my gullet.
I see this as an unconscious attempt to keep the anxiety at bay. I want to have will power. It’s a battle I have too frequently with myself. There’s so many ways I’ve been able to exhibit control. I’ve changed my diet on many occasions seeking what adequate nourishes me however even with foods I can eat I over indulge in those “once in a while” options. I long for the dopamine rush of sweet food.
Anxious overeating it's what I do when there's someplace I need to be but don't want to be. It's what I do when I'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my never ending list of “things to do.” When I can't even see straight because the stress and obligations are too much, I eat. It’s my addiction. It’s fruit. It’s meat. It’s the desire for cheese (which I’m currently not eating any kind of) so I eat anything I can. It’s wanting bread, finding gluten free dairy free alternatives and eating all of what I make as soon as it’s made. It’s a day of behaving and a night of over indulging. It's what I do to satiate my fears. I overeat. It's what I do when I don't know what to do, when I'm bored, when I'm exhausted, and when I want to feel numb. I put food in my mouth until I'm uncomfortable, until it hurts, until it feels like I'm going to explode- why do I do this?
I see acknowledging that I have what I perceive as lack of control as an obsessive thought as the beginning to the end of my overeating issue. I know I have thousands of years of genes working against me as my ancestors would have no choice but to eat as much as they can whenever food was available. I’m not starving. I do sometimes feel deprived though because I grew up eating overly processed sugar filled addicting foods I can no longer eat. There’s turmoil between the indulgent person I used to be and the me now who is working on control, health and good habits.
Here and now I know that going forward with my goals of control and true understanding of my body’s nutritional needs won’t be easy. I know I’ll have to process the emotions I stuff back into my body with food. I’m ready to take this next step, clear my mind of the guilt associated with causing myself pain every, time I binge.
I will be successful.
It will require determination and the will power, I question. I must replace my bad habit, overeating when nervous, anxious bored or upset with a more productive resolution. Instead I’ll attempt to open a dialect with myself. If I know i just ate I’ll ask, am I thirsty (if this is even a question I can ask I’ll drink a big glass of water and walk away from the kitchen)? Am I emotional? Am I truly hungry? I’ll attempt to distract myself with one small to do (like laundry or cleaning the bathroom) and one small I want to do (something on my list but for pleasure, like reading for fun or yoga). Hopefully this game plan will help me tackle the tendency to eat my anxiety.
Be honest with yourselves about where you struggle apples. Don’t let your fears be holding you back from your desires. I believe in you.
You see it in grocery stores and gas stations, you hear it floating around as a healthy. It’s a fermented food option to help restore good gut microbes; it’s Kombucha. My experience with making my own Kombucha: I’ve spent the past year immersed in listening […]
Loneliness can stem from rejection, from feeling isolated in our choices, our needs, and desires. At some point during the surrealism that is getting an Interstitial Cystitis (IC) diagnosis I began to loathe small talk. “Hey how are you?” became an insult to me as […]
I have been diagnosed a suspected celiacs.
Suspected sounds peculiar but I refused
To be subjected to being the subject of
Further testing. My mother cannot imbibe,
It makes me regurgitate the protein. I’ll choose
To believe I’m positive in my diagnosis, purely
Due to feeling better when I don’t giving-in to the
Sweet tooth lurking within. I’ll choose gluten
Sensitive positive versus hell scoped invasion.
What they forgot to tell me when I chose,
A gluten free lifestyle is I’ll feel alone. More
Alone than lonely. Alone in my decision,
Rejected as strange. I’ll be the odd piece of
Person in any room. I’m now the freak.
A zoo animal prepared to face an inquisition
Of my outlandish need to nourish myself
Appropriately. Temptation is now going to
Sit at my side doing what she does best
Tempting me towards taste and desire.
She’ll attempt to sway me back towards
Her land of delicious misery and sweet
Suffering. I’ll be strong and resist her.
I’ll miss dearly the delight of giving into
Her. Saying no will be my biggest challenge.
How it feels to be gluten free in a glutenous
World: A display of sharing is no longer
A restoration of my faith in humanity
But the makings of torture. A potluck
With all my favorite enemies lined up
And staring me down. Ash fills my mouth.
It absorbs any moisture and leaves me
breathless and wanting. I’m unsure if the
Sponge sucking the space from my throat
Is jealousy or fighting the impulse to imbibe.
I know I must practice constant will power,
Be good to my insides. I cannot further
Inflame the damage years of giving-in has done.
A little scream slips out of my lips as a hiccup.
Everything I can’t touch surrounds me.
I hold my breath scared of what the
smell brings with it. Desire, the insatiable kind.
The struggle to maintain and lose weight is a struggle most women (and men) face throughout their lives. It’s a constant battle of the right food, correct amount of intake, right exercise, finding the exercise you prefer to do…The list is never-ending. Here’s the truth- […]
I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain and know she’s a cruel mistress, relentless in her pursuit of body destruction.
I’ve lived with a deep loneliness that at times fills me with cement and leaves me to rot in a bed. I’ve been frozen in fear, breathless and gasping for relief from my inner torment all the while wearing a smile on my face. I've had my intelligence questioned at moments where words would rather strangle me than roll off my tongue.
I deprived my body of food for days at a time in high school to feel skinny. I forced my body to ingest non stop during high stress moments in college. My weight has fluctuated at 5’6” from 90 pounds to 220 over the span of 15 years. I challenged my liver to binge drink professionally with the longest streak I don’t remember being roughly 14 days. I remember telling myself this is just what college kids did.
I gave away too much and don’t recall enough memories. I've been intimately abundant in alcohol consumption, dissociation and what I’ve blocked out from my childhood years due to trauma, death and exposure to addiction. I’ve felt broken. I’ve believed I was worthless because I was limited, unwell.
Asthma, ADHD, Anorexia, Addiction, Anxiety, Binge Eating, Depression, Interstitial Cystitis, Tension Headaches, Repetitive Strain Injuries (effecting my back, knees and wrists), Chronic Pain.
My diagnosis list is long and the shame I’ve felt about who I was in the past, is still existent but I know it doesn’t define me. I am not a label. I’ve chosen to heal, naturally. I’ve chosen to change. To pursue more meaning and make this life journey about being comfortable with who I am and the only home I’ll ever truly reside, my body. I’m resolved to be my best self. I use my experiences to educate myself on what they mean to me, others and ways to overcome these life circumstances.
I choose to disseminate the truth, my truth. I believe I’m on the path to learning to manage my conditions - both mental and physical - with natural medicine, remedies, activities and real healing. Who I choose to be in spite of all I suffer is a person worthy of love. I choose to be someone who believes the world is still beautiful, that nature gives us what we need to optimize how we feel and function.
This journey has not been easy but with supportive friends and steadfast determination in myself, I continue to persevere and move forward. I try to live in this moment and accept myself where I’m at. I know I can’t fix my body in a day but each day I get better at managing and mending. All of life is a practice, I’m making mine about health and healing.
My suffering led me to try new things. Through the use of The Rossiter System, Yamuna Body Rolling, Functional Fitness, Foam Rolling, training my mental health and other pain/stress management tools I’ve found ways to alleviate pain or discomfort. I studio the human body, my ailments and other's experiences in depth. I completely changed careers to focus on giving people a more pain free existence through the tools I've learned. I’ve chosen to pursue mastery in helping others overcome their own health ailments.
I will continue my education of the body to help share what I believe is effective truth about health and healing, here. I will share the struggle, the nightmare that can be this journey towards self mastery and health. I am on the correct path, set forth to seek healing my own body fully and sustain it for life. I’d like to help as many others as I can find success in their own body’s health and wellness.