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Panic Spills Over The Brim

Panic Spills Over The Brim

The feeling is not satiating. I know I have tasks I must complete, but I’m drained of all ability to fully function. Dragging myself through my day is a must. I’m not positive what came first, the anxiety or the IC. Sheer panic engulfs me […]

Under The Weather

Under The Weather

My throat tickles and I have a general feeling of unwellness. I cannot be sick, I don’t have time to be sick. My thoughts flash to the previous day, I felt so exhausted yesterday. I told myself last night, “you’re going to crash soon.” Now […]

Word Whiplash

Word Whiplash

Words have power, more than you know

Careful what you say

Don’t get cut on my edges

For all the games you play

There are always consequences

 

You’ll get cut on my edges

My dialect is sharper than knives

There will be consequences

Ramifications, none survive

 

My tongue is sharper than knives

Careful with your language

The verbal lashing, none survive

You’ll be left in anguish

 

Careful with your language

Our words become actions

You’ll be left in anguish

Repercussions, my reaction

 

Our words become actions

The word games you play

Repercussions, my reaction

Careful what you say

A poem by K. Sullivan 

When I’m a bitch

When I’m a bitch

You don’t know what I’m up against From pain my focus won’t steer Split in half at my most intimate parts   You don’t know what I’m up against Today I must bare my agony to a stranger Split in half at my most intimate […]

An Attempt to Heal Through Food

An Attempt to Heal Through Food

Interstitial Cystitis -an autoimmune xxperience, I flare, pelvic floor tension, low back and hip pain – all engulf my body much more frequently than I’d like. Some days I am able to manage symptoms, but at other times they are terribly unbearable. Sensations  to the […]

I Eat My Anxiety

I Eat My Anxiety

Avoidance. Dopamine.

Pleasure amplified, and pain dulled, all with hand to mouth action. The step I take to procrastinate and feel good about doing so  is eating. Stuffing my face until I’m painfully stuffed. Filled and overflowing with food to the point where only sleep or vomit could possibly alleviate the excruciating stretch of my stomach lining. I feel the expansion of my midsection with inflammation as my insides work overtime to undo the damage I shove in my gullet.

I see this as an unconscious attempt to keep the anxiety at bay. I want to have will power. It’s a battle I have too frequently with myself. There’s so many ways I’ve been able to exhibit control. I’ve changed my diet on many occasions seeking what adequate nourishes me however even with foods I can eat I over indulge in those “once in a while” options. I long for the dopamine rush of sweet food.

Anxious overeating it's what I do when there's someplace I need to be but don't want to be. It's what I do when I'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my never ending list of “things to do.” When I can't even see straight because the stress and obligations are too much, I eat. It’s my addiction. It’s fruit. It’s meat. It’s the desire for cheese (which I’m currently not eating any kind of) so I eat anything I can. It’s wanting bread, finding gluten free dairy free alternatives and eating all of what I make as soon as it’s made. It’s a day of behaving and a night of over indulging. It's what I do to satiate my fears. I overeat. It's what I do when I don't know what to do, when I'm bored, when I'm exhausted, and when I want to feel numb. I put food in my mouth until I'm uncomfortable, until it hurts, until it feels like I'm going to explode- why do I do this?

I see acknowledging that I have what I perceive as lack of control as an obsessive thought as the beginning to the end of my overeating issue. I know I have thousands of years of genes working against me as my ancestors would have no choice but to eat as much as they can whenever food was available. I’m not starving. I do sometimes feel deprived though because I grew up eating overly processed sugar filled addicting foods I can no longer eat. There’s turmoil between the indulgent person I used to be and the me now who is working on control, health and good habits.

Here and now I know that going forward with my goals of control and true understanding of my body’s nutritional needs won’t be easy. I know I’ll have to process the emotions I stuff back into my body with food. I’m ready to take this next step, clear my mind of the guilt associated with causing myself pain every,  time I binge.

I will be successful.

It will require determination and the will power, I question. I must replace my bad habit, overeating when nervous, anxious bored or upset with a more productive resolution. Instead I’ll attempt to open a dialect with myself. If I know i just ate I’ll ask, am I thirsty (if this is even a question I can ask I’ll drink a big glass of water and walk away from the kitchen)? Am I emotional? Am I truly hungry? I’ll attempt to distract myself with one small to do (like laundry or cleaning the bathroom) and one small I want to do (something on my list but for pleasure, like reading for fun or yoga). Hopefully this game plan will help me tackle the tendency to eat my anxiety.

 

Be honest with yourselves about where you struggle apples. Don’t let your fears be holding you back from your desires. I believe in you.

 

Apple out,

K. Sullivan

Kombucha (Part 3) – The Process

Kombucha (Part 3) – The Process

MAKING KOMBUCHA What you need: 2 ½ gallon glass jugs & 2 ½ Gallon resealable bottles (glass is important, its your friend’s home!) 6 480 ml Glass jars or bottles, if they have a tight seal that’s best so they can get fizzy during 2nd […]

Kombucha (Part 2) – What is it?

Kombucha (Part 2) – What is it?

What is Kombucha? A fermented beverage containing beneficial bacteria in the form of yeast. According to SeedsOfHealth.com, “The first recorded use of kombucha comes from China in 221 BC during the Tsin Dynasty. It was known as “The Tea of Immortality”. It has been used […]

Kombucha (Part 1) – My Experience

Kombucha (Part 1) – My Experience

Part 1

You see it in grocery stores and gas stations, you hear it floating around as a healthy.

It’s a fermented food option to help restore good gut microbes; it’s Kombucha.

My experience with making my own Kombucha:

I’ve spent the past year immersed in listening to Montreal Healthy Girl and Naturopath Brittany Auerbach on her youtube channel (link). She highly recommends fermented foods, water kefirs, homemade kombucha and the like for restoring gut balance. My own Functional Nutritionist from Zen Functional Wellness (link) has recommended fermented foods to me several times.  My Mom’s had tremendous success brewing her own kombucha and adding it to her dietary routine. She believes it’s helping her heal her ulcerative colitis. Store purchased kombucha options frequently have additives, sugar and other ingredients I react too, like most of them are made with black tea.

Additionally I’m broke - which means I can’t afford every healer, test, fancy resolution I’d like. It also means tons of self education, reading, YouTube channel learning and internet research. Ideally I’d like to avoid antibiotics because of the damage they cause to the gut microbes and starting from scratch is never easy. I know from my last gut panel test, done through Rocky Mountain Natural Medicine (link) that I wasn’t nearly as high in bad guys, but was certainly lacking good guys needed to aid in the natural digestive flow. Additionally the test should high levels of gut inflammation which is further indication of celiacs.  These could be reasons why I’m still experiencing IC like symptoms. My healers proceeded to tell me, try probiotics and fermented foods, get your gut inflammation down and treat your gluten allergy like extreme celiacs.

This is really solid advice, but how do I implement it? Having thought myself to be gluten free, with regular attempts to take allergen safe probiotics I decided it was time to try something new.

Before I had done my research, my Mom was beyond on board and excited for me. She sent me home almost immediately with 2 ½ gallon jugs filled with Green Tea Kombucha.  I knew there was bacteria. What I didn’t realize was the brew consisted of something called a scoby. My mom called them her little friends which I thought was cute until it came time to play with my little friends. The child within panicked when I’d brought this concoction home. How do I touch it? What does it feel like? Is this really something I should try?

At first thought of making my own I was optimistic. My mother has had tremendous success by adding a daily kombucha tea to her diet.

That first night when I attempted to do a continuous brew transition, start a new batch while flavoring the current batch and sending the current batch into a second fermentation state for carbonation, I cried my eyes out. I panicked when it came time to do it. Did I wait to long to add the sugar? Should I have added it right after making the tea? Will it be okay if I didn’t add the sugar until later? Did I do enough sugar? Did I do too much? The negative self talk then kicked in. “This is stupid, you’re stupid, you ruin everything, you’ll never heal.”

I was scared of messing it up. I was scared of trying something new. I was also scared of making myself more sick.

My boyfriend attempted to offer solace and recommended I scrap it, saying “Don’t do something that makes you this uncomfortable.”

I am desperate for healing, but also up against a wall of my own inner ick and a belief I’m not competent enough to heal myself. I’m working on changing that so I decided to face my fears and try something new.

The following day, I pulled on my big girl pants for a second attempt, hush child, let the adult handle today’s tasks. Grabbed some tongs, woman’d the fuck up and I brewed my fucking kombucha tea. (See below for the continuous batch process I’ve been following).

The feeling of success was short lived as another obstacle appeared in my mind. To drink it. It’s bacteria, freaked me out for a couple reasons:

  1. A hesitation with the type of yeast because my food sensitivity testing said I was reacting to baker’s and brewer's yeast (but that’s not really what kombucha is and I know that now).
  2. I could see the little bits of yeast like bacteria floating around in the master brew.

This should be good for me, a phone call to Mom and she told me she drinks it all right up. Why am I always in my own damn way?

Maybe my imagination pictured them more lively and swimming around.  You don’t see shit like that at all, maybe some stringy looking yeast, but nothing to be afraid of. Why is brewing and drinking your own  so different than buying something at the store? Well the store bought brands generally flavor after the fact with sugar and other natural flavorings but in a way that’s strained out any visual bits so it’s more aesthetically appealing and sugar filled addicting.

When you’re making your own, you see the scoby. The Scoby is the live culture and it’s a good thing but it’s gross looking and weird for me to think about. You don’t have to but can touch it with super clean hands(not antibacterial soap, just hot water and vinegar clean). I couldn’t do that so grabbed the tongues.

I started drinking one bottle. They spent the night in the fridge. OMFG it’s not carbonated. Should it be? Is this bad? I turn to my mothers expertise and trusty youtube. This is when I find out there’s a 2nd fermentation process Mommykins skips because she doesn’t like the bubbles. Luckily several videos said either way is good I decide to take my friends out of the fridge and leave them on the counter overnight. We will see what happens.

After the first batch attempt, I learned that if you skip a second fermentation, the flavoring fermentation it’s not bubbly like store bought. However, if you flavor it and leave it out on your counter for 2-3 days it’ll start to produce bubbles.

Batch 2 was much smoother.

The second batch I attempted to leave out your air tight jars to make it fizzy. It’s drinkable either way, but carbonation is something I often miss so I’d love a fizzy drink option that won’t have negative side effects on my bladder.

A word of warning I’ve heard but not experiences is to be careful if with a second ferment and learn the process over time because the carbonation can cause glass bottles to explode, however frequent checking (every 24 hours for me) can keep pressure from building too much.

Another warning I learned was to be careful about the water and how jars are cleaned. So I’ve taken to cleaning all my kombucha supplies with apple cider vinegar and hot filtered water. I have an Auasana filtration system setup in my home.

I did it! I bottled the Kombucha, I got a new batch going, I’m letting it ferment in the pantry. I marked 1 week out from my calendar for a new batch and 3 days for the current batch in the 2nd fermentation process to go from counter to fridge. (I’ll be straining chunks out first.)

Batch 3 started to feel like routine, until I left it in each of the two fermentation stages for too long. Everything got a vinegar taste so I’ve scrapped that batch and started fresh. This entire process has been a learning experience. One that I’m grateful I took. I do believe I’ve had some positive changes in my IC symptoms. My body’s been spasming less, there’s been less uncomfortable pelvic swelling and pain. I’m not saying it’s a cure, but I do believe for me it was another, necessary step in my natural healing journey.

........(cont'd in Part 2)

 

High Functioning Anxiety.

High Functioning Anxiety.

The trouble with suffering through high functioning anxiety Is believing that all your flustered feelings are your own fault You’re less, being less productive than your expectations expect. Further troubling is the inability to realize your own limits As the belief that you should be […]


Featured Post

What’s your story apple?

What’s your story apple?

I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain and know she’s a cruel mistress, relentless in her pursuit of body destruction.

I’ve lived with a deep loneliness that at times fills me with cement and leaves me to rot in a bed. I’ve been frozen in fear, breathless and gasping for relief from my inner torment all the while wearing a smile on my face. I've had my intelligence questioned at moments where words would rather strangle me than roll off my tongue.

I deprived my body of food for days at a time in high school to feel skinny. I forced my body to ingest non stop during high stress moments in college. My weight has fluctuated at 5’6” from 90 pounds to 220 over the span of 15 years. I challenged my liver to binge drink professionally with the longest streak I don’t remember being roughly 14 days. I remember telling myself this is just what college kids did.

I gave away too much and don’t recall enough memories. I've been intimately abundant in alcohol consumption, dissociation and what I’ve blocked out from my childhood years due to trauma, death and exposure to addiction. I’ve felt broken. I’ve believed I was worthless because I was limited, unwell.

Asthma, ADHD, Anorexia, Addiction, Anxiety, Binge Eating, Depression, Interstitial Cystitis, Tension Headaches, Repetitive Strain Injuries (effecting my back, knees and wrists), Chronic Pain.

My diagnosis list is long and the shame I’ve felt about who I was in the past, is still existent but I know it doesn’t define me. I am not a label. I’ve chosen to heal, naturally. I’ve chosen to change. To pursue more meaning and make this life journey about being comfortable with who I am and the only home I’ll ever truly reside, my body. I’m resolved to be my best self. I use my experiences to educate myself on what they mean to me, others and ways to overcome these life circumstances.

I choose to disseminate the truth, my truth. I believe I’m on the path to learning to manage my conditions - both mental and physical - with natural medicine, remedies, activities and real healing. Who I choose to be in spite of all I suffer is a person worthy of love. I choose to be someone who believes the world is still beautiful, that nature gives us what we need to optimize how we feel and function.

This journey has not been easy but with supportive friends and steadfast determination in myself, I continue to persevere and move forward. I try to live in this moment and accept myself where I’m at. I know I can’t fix my body in a day but each day I get better at managing and mending. All of life is a practice, I’m making mine about health and healing.

My suffering led me to try new things. Through the use of The Rossiter System, Yamuna Body Rolling, Functional Fitness, Foam Rolling, training my mental health and other pain/stress management tools I’ve found ways to alleviate pain or discomfort. I studio the human body, my ailments and other's experiences in depth. I completely changed careers to focus on giving people a more pain free existence through the tools I've learned. I’ve chosen to pursue mastery in helping others overcome their own health ailments.

I will continue my education of the body to help share what I believe is effective truth about health and healing, here. I will share the struggle, the nightmare that can be this journey towards self mastery and health. I am on the correct path, set forth to seek healing my own body fully and sustain it for life. I’d like to help as many others as I can find success in their own body’s health and wellness.

Apple Out,

K. Sullivan