Recent Posts

Stress: What It Does To You

Stress: What It Does To You

I thought I had it under control. I didn’t think I was letting it take over my body or my life. Turns out I was stifling and stuffing all along. Stress will kill you much faster than you’d choose to die. I see it in […]

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic

My Mom always told me, “Normal is just a setting on a washing machine.” I’m not crazy, though at times I feel out of my mind.   That doesn’t mean the experiences I’m having aren’t common in other people too. I have spent the past year […]

Facing Fears Seeking Solutions

Facing Fears Seeking Solutions

Right now, in this moment, I’m alive. 

I know that much to be true. The problem is, I’m afraid and stuck. Stagnant in my fear of what does this mean as I analyze each human body experience I am having and question what’s “normal” and what’s “healthy” and what’s “best for my unique body.”

The “what if” question always nags at me, and the fear of death and dying are always looming. Anxiety takes me to the place of a stubbed toe, resulting in a skin eating virus or bacteria that ultimately kills me. (That hasn’t happened, but the fear of it is real, all the while the toe throbs). I know each of us inevitably meets an end in this short span of human existence, but I’m afraid to face my own mortality. Isn’t everyone?

If I force myself to face what ails me - own all of my experiences and seek solutions to them, I’m left asking what if it really is permanent? What if I’m wrong and all my journey is for nothing, because I really am just broken and doomed to live life at the cost of quality? What if my life is left with mitigation of symptoms instead of a future I desire? What if we really only struggle and then die?

I’m in a dark place. Experiencing suffering, the likes of which make me hateful. Existing is already exhausting and adding layers to the misery with labels or potentials is frightening. 

I want answers. I want to believe there’s more to life than surviving; I repeat this desire to myself over and over again, but still don’t believe my own lie.

I feel like I should be able to thrive. I want to feel happy without the always present awareness of some symptom, issue, problem with my own body. I don’t care what other people SEE, what I feel is miserable more often than not.

How can some people not have as much pain, discomfort, complaints? Is it the genetic mutations? The code within my DNA? Or are we ignorant to how we should feel? Are we all buying into the “normal” setting as something achievable? Maintainable?

Is it truly my inability to manage stress? 

Money = STRESS

Health = STRESS

Existing = STRESS

Normal” doesn’t mean healthy just because it’s often experienced by a wide variety of people.

Then there’s money and finances; How can any one person pursue their healing - especially on a natural path while maintaining a full time job, high cost of living, and a consumerist culture? I’m struggling with it every fucking day.  So what’s next?

How can I be over this life and fear living it at the same time? 

How can I be so trapped in my own head by both symptoms and thoughts?

I’ve lost touch with reality and closed doors on friends because I don’t know how to communicate with anyone. You ask me how I’m doing and I lie. I’m not okay most days. 

All I see is gray. Wishing this fleeting moment would end, because I feel stuck in a loop.

Though my intentions are not to stay stuck in my own cycle; some days are harder than others to drag myself out of bed and move through the motions. I do it anyway; though I have fears I face them daily on my journey towards naturally healing and I only ever want the same for anybody else.

 

Apple out, 

K. Sullivan

Self Perception Obsession

Self Perception Obsession

I don’t see myself as. I took on fitness training in a functional fitness gym this last year. As a trainer, I gradually became more and more focused on changes I saw and those that I didn’t see fast enough, in my body. I know […]

The Narrator Challenge

The Narrator Challenge

 The notion started after I’d read the ever popular Secret by Rhonda Byrne several years back. I’d been struggling to integrate the concepts but failed to recognize some secret brain switch that flipped on the concept of your thoughts really manifesting your future. There was […]

You Are What You…

You Are What You…

...you eat.

If we listen to this old adage, it raises the question, So what are you? Tacos? Cheeseburgers? Veggies? Donuts? Self hate? Attempting perfectionism?

On a cellular level you really are how you’re nourished. If you’re feeding your cells sugar, GMO, pesticides...you’re toxic, sluggish, and weighed down.

You are what you ingest, this includes visual and mental nourishment too.Whatever is making its way into your conscious thought, is only a portion of what you’re ingesting. Your subconscious is absorbing everything: your environment, the background music and images.

These shape how you view yourself and your self-worth. If you’re feeding yourself gansta rap and hip hop constantly - will bitches ever be anything other than bitches?*

If you’re obsessed with Vogue and other fashion magazines, how can you see your own shape as healthy and whole, just as it is?

Face deep in sugar is basically asking your system to rebel against you slowly, and with extreme agony.

Do you feed yourself a playback real of your past? You know those times or that one person that’s no longer in your life. Regrets? Ever feed yourself your own story of regret?

Take a good look at your own life and see where your sadness comes from. I know I’m looking at mine with the intent being to enrich the parts of my life that maybe I’m feeding myself too much negativity. Is it music? Movies? Magazines? A story you tell yourself? How can you incorporate some happiness in more?

I’m tracking my food going into this year to better understand what my body needs to function optimally.

Furthermore, I’m tracking my mental/emotional state so I can piece together what nonsense I’m feeding myself in order to ensure it’s all organic and stimulating my cells and soul in just the right way.

What you put into your body, mind, and spirit matters deeply. As it’s directly reflected in your body.

 

Take care of yourselves apples,

K. Sullivan

 

Pain As A Catalyst

Pain As A Catalyst

As humans we easily become creatures of habit, comfort and denial. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? With people, I have found that one catalyst can be pain. Pain settling into your body can force change out of necessity. Discomfort will move […]

What Have You Lost?

What Have You Lost?

When I started this website, I never anticipated wanting to talk about death or loss as part of it. I know in previous posts I’ve referenced how your circle of friends and supporters might change as you start to change your lifestyle, and I think […]

It’s OKAY to say NO!

It’s OKAY to say NO!

I said “no” to the New Year’s Eve party invites.

I used excuses because I couldn’t bare the truth of “I really needed a night to focus on me, my home, my goals and my health.”

I knew I needed self care and a break - from people, from work, from endless to-do lists.

I was practicing what I preach and making self care the priority.

And I felt terrible about it.

 

Why did I feel shame and guilt for staying home?

Was it the “I have other plans” white lies?

Or was it for choosing sleep, over some insane cultural tradition of getting loaded and staying up late to kiss strangers, lovers or friends?

I’ve wanted nothing more than to feel normal over the past 5 years of healing.

Is normal going to the party or staying home for self care?

And somehow avoiding - choosing another option - had me feeling like a selfish, flaky let-down.

I have put all my efforts into trying to listen to my body and, by sheer will, treat it correctly.

That meant my night consisted of house cleaning, food prep, bodywork and a movie.

At times self care is difficult and it means saying “no” to a lot of things my former self would have jumped all over…. Like a New Year’s Eve party.

This all makes me feel guilty and ashamed, because I've changed as have my priorities.

Though, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for saying “no” to a beverage that makes me feel like a rotting walking corpse for 3 days. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not eating the cookies freshly baked, or for not being eager to hear anyone talk about pizza. I miss pizza and cheesy bread and cake and pie and cookies and chocolate - agh! -  all the time. I think about food and drink often. Sweet drinks that make you fuzzy and dissociate easily. That’s who I was.  Sometimes I miss her too, but that doesn’t mean the me I am now deserves to hear about how much more fun, or how cooler she was. I don’t need to be at parties where I won’t eat or drink anything you have and I’ll just wish I was elsewhere almost the entire time.

I may be different than who I was but I really like the me I'm be coming. And even with guilt and shame over saying "no" I know I'll process that and be glad I took care of myself rather than run myself ragged. It allows me to be my best more often and being successful daily rather than fun at night is what this next year and each year is all about, for me.

I implore anyone who would rather:

  • Reflect on your own.
  • Enjoy the time off solo.
  • Get caught up on life.
  • Or simply, rather do their own thing as an individual.
  • To do exactly that.

Decide what your top priorities are and focus on them with everything you have.

I have given myself 5 top priorities:

  1. Healing my body, mind and spirit.
  2. Always striving to be the best I can at my career as a Rossiter Coach, Yamuna Body Rolling Instructor, and Fitness Trainer.
  3. Writing and reading as a hobby, this year poetry specifically.
  4. Feeding relationships with family and friends who uplift me in more than one way. They are emotionally, physically, and mentally stimulating and non-judgmental. The ones that leave me feeling full and loved and strong.
  5. Self love, self care and self improvement.

I strongly believe it takes a village to make a person who they are and we all need social interaction. I believe in being selective with my village, though my love extends farther than my village...I also believe in reflection and delving inside yourself once in awhile to figure out what you need, who you really are and where you want to be going.

Also, forgive yourself for saying “yes” to the only person’s opinion you truly have to live with. Your own.

 

Apple out,

KS

Breathing with Anxiety

Breathing with Anxiety

As does the thought of anxiety or even simply breathing. The two are intertwined in an enigmatic dance battle. Am I the only person who has anxiety and asthma? Doubtful. Has anyone had an asthma attack triggered by anxiety? I have.   I recently told […]


Featured Post

What’s your story apple?

What’s your story apple?

I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain and know she’s a cruel mistress, relentless in her pursuit of body destruction.

I’ve lived with a deep loneliness that at times fills me with cement and leaves me to rot in a bed. I’ve been frozen in fear, breathless and gasping for relief from my inner torment all the while wearing a smile on my face. I've had my intelligence questioned at moments where words would rather strangle me than roll off my tongue.

I deprived my body of food for days at a time in high school to feel skinny. I forced my body to ingest non stop during high stress moments in college. My weight has fluctuated at 5’6” from 90 pounds to 220 over the span of 15 years. I challenged my liver to binge drink professionally with the longest streak I don’t remember being roughly 14 days. I remember telling myself this is just what college kids did.

I gave away too much and don’t recall enough memories. I've been intimately abundant in alcohol consumption, dissociation and what I’ve blocked out from my childhood years due to trauma, death and exposure to addiction. I’ve felt broken. I’ve believed I was worthless because I was limited, unwell.

Asthma, ADHD, Anorexia, Addiction, Anxiety, Binge Eating, Depression, Interstitial Cystitis, Tension Headaches, Repetitive Strain Injuries (effecting my back, knees and wrists), Chronic Pain.

My diagnosis list is long and the shame I’ve felt about who I was in the past, is still existent but I know it doesn’t define me. I am not a label. I’ve chosen to heal, naturally. I’ve chosen to change. To pursue more meaning and make this life journey about being comfortable with who I am and the only home I’ll ever truly reside, my body. I’m resolved to be my best self. I use my experiences to educate myself on what they mean to me, others and ways to overcome these life circumstances.

I choose to disseminate the truth, my truth. I believe I’m on the path to learning to manage my conditions - both mental and physical - with natural medicine, remedies, activities and real healing. Who I choose to be in spite of all I suffer is a person worthy of love. I choose to be someone who believes the world is still beautiful, that nature gives us what we need to optimize how we feel and function.

This journey has not been easy but with supportive friends and steadfast determination in myself, I continue to persevere and move forward. I try to live in this moment and accept myself where I’m at. I know I can’t fix my body in a day but each day I get better at managing and mending. All of life is a practice, I’m making mine about health and healing.

My suffering led me to try new things. Through the use of The Rossiter System, Yamuna Body Rolling, Functional Fitness, Foam Rolling, training my mental health and other pain/stress management tools I’ve found ways to alleviate pain or discomfort. I studio the human body, my ailments and other's experiences in depth. I completely changed careers to focus on giving people a more pain free existence through the tools I've learned. I’ve chosen to pursue mastery in helping others overcome their own health ailments.

I will continue my education of the body to help share what I believe is effective truth about health and healing, here. I will share the struggle, the nightmare that can be this journey towards self mastery and health. I am on the correct path, set forth to seek healing my own body fully and sustain it for life. I’d like to help as many others as I can find success in their own body’s health and wellness.

Apple Out,

K. Sullivan