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Autoimmune Changes Everything

Autoimmune Changes Everything

  Surreal Seriously unreal This can’t possibly be really Happening.   Your Interstitial Cystitis is likely Autoimmune. …..Nobody’s used that word before. How’s that? Gut, inflammation, gluten “intolerance” turned into a death sentence.   Grandpa asked me if I started living in a homeless camp […]

The Cycle Continues

The Cycle Continues

“I’m dying of being a girl”, was my monthly catch phrase from the very first cycle I ever had at age 16. I remember being spoon fed Vicodin as a last ditch effort to at least sleep and missing school 3 days every month. My […]

I’m Dying of Being a Girl

I’m Dying of Being a Girl

#GraphicContentWarning

The worst part of being a girl; the part that brings shame, snide remarks and uncomfortable glances...

(even though it shouldn’t)

...when we talk about it; a highly misunderstood and rejected part of being a human female - Menstruation.

This monthly cycle of pleasantries always comes with excruciating symptoms like stabbing, throbbing, burning gremlins of terror that shred apart my midsection and send razor sharp shooting pain up and down my legs. Overwhelming me with the urge to vomit. They use their saw like talons teetering back and forth from spine to navel. The gremlins laugh and dance on my entrails, as they launch the disemboweled remains of me through my pelvic cavity.

This little dance with the devil  takes over roughly a total of 10 years from a woman’s life, according to https://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2015/07/25-little-known-facts-about-your-period/

10 years, on average, of fun filled suffering and anguish.

For me, I get the joy of experiences like, the middle of the night vomits, combined with urgent need to defecate, repeatedly. The reality of feeling like a stabbed pig gushing into my own diaper is a disgusting reminder that I’ve not fulfilled my biological need to reproduce. Nothing quite wakes you up and turns your night into a festive blood drenched murder scene like the urgent need to rush to the bathroom at 2am for 3-7 (usually 7) consecutive days at regular monthly intervals.

Having shooting pains and pins, needles - a fire setting off your pain sensors all over your body. Hot showers, essential oils, internal pelvic floor stretching, tens machine, IFC machine, heating pads, diet changes, digestive testing, Yamuna body rolling….all barely touch the surface of my suffering - the tools take the edge off enough to function, but barely and mostly it means putting my life on pause while I wait for the inevitable to pass.  If you know me (or have read my previous posts), you know I try not to take medicine. I’m attempting an all natural course of healing for my IC, my gut inflammation and my body systematically. Over the counter pills don’t even touch the intensity I experience during my visit from every girls least favorite Aunt anyway so why bother? Anything stronger comes with it’s own array of side effects and different forms of dysfunction - defeating the point of it all anyway.

I know that there’s a likelihood I have systems that aren’t properly flushing, creating an inability to detox fully; that there’s hormones out of whack and this fit my body throws is all it can do to attempt to bare the load my past self’s lifestyle - societies current state of food - and my genetic makeup has left it unwittingly. I understand this heavy, horrible cycle can be  a side effect of an unbalanced body. All symptoms I am fighting with are likely a result of the broken system, hormones, and stress.

For me, my monthly visit from my Aunt Flow brings about her cohort of IBS, IC and pelvic floor spasms. Basically it’s a torture holiday in my midsection for the chronic pain gremlins to play freely throughout my body. Because of the guarantee of pain at regular intervals, any duration of relief is short lived by this circle I’m trapt in.

However, I do my best to cope through bodywork, essential oils and a healthy lifestyle; with diet and exercise, I’m optimistic that as I heal my gut I can change the negative experiences I have within my uterus.

 

Apple Out,

K.S.

Panic Spills Over The Brim

Panic Spills Over The Brim

The feeling is not satiating. I know I have tasks I must complete, but I’m drained of all ability to fully function. Dragging myself through my day is a must. I’m not positive what came first, the anxiety or the IC. Sheer panic engulfs me […]

Under The Weather

Under The Weather

My throat tickles and I have a general feeling of unwellness. I cannot be sick, I don’t have time to be sick. My thoughts flash to the previous day, I felt so exhausted yesterday. I told myself last night, “you’re going to crash soon.” Now […]

Word Whiplash

Word Whiplash

Words have power, more than you know

Careful what you say

Don’t get cut on my edges

For all the games you play

There are always consequences

 

You’ll get cut on my edges

My dialect is sharper than knives

There will be consequences

Ramifications, none survive

 

My tongue is sharper than knives

Careful with your language

The verbal lashing, none survive

You’ll be left in anguish

 

Careful with your language

Our words become actions

You’ll be left in anguish

Repercussions, my reaction

 

Our words become actions

The word games you play

Repercussions, my reaction

Careful what you say

A poem by K. Sullivan 

When I’m a bitch

When I’m a bitch

You don’t know what I’m up against From pain my focus won’t steer Split in half at my most intimate parts   You don’t know what I’m up against Today I must bare my agony to a stranger Split in half at my most intimate […]

An Attempt to Heal Through Food

An Attempt to Heal Through Food

Interstitial Cystitis -an autoimmune xxperience, I flare, pelvic floor tension, low back and hip pain – all engulf my body much more frequently than I’d like. Some days I am able to manage symptoms, but at other times they are terribly unbearable. Sensations  to the […]

I Eat My Anxiety

I Eat My Anxiety

Avoidance. Dopamine.

Pleasure amplified, and pain dulled, all with hand to mouth action. The step I take to procrastinate and feel good about doing so  is eating. Stuffing my face until I’m painfully stuffed. Filled and overflowing with food to the point where only sleep or vomit could possibly alleviate the excruciating stretch of my stomach lining. I feel the expansion of my midsection with inflammation as my insides work overtime to undo the damage I shove in my gullet.

I see this as an unconscious attempt to keep the anxiety at bay. I want to have will power. It’s a battle I have too frequently with myself. There’s so many ways I’ve been able to exhibit control. I’ve changed my diet on many occasions seeking what adequate nourishes me however even with foods I can eat I over indulge in those “once in a while” options. I long for the dopamine rush of sweet food.

Anxious overeating it's what I do when there's someplace I need to be but don't want to be. It's what I do when I'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my never ending list of “things to do.” When I can't even see straight because the stress and obligations are too much, I eat. It’s my addiction. It’s fruit. It’s meat. It’s the desire for cheese (which I’m currently not eating any kind of) so I eat anything I can. It’s wanting bread, finding gluten free dairy free alternatives and eating all of what I make as soon as it’s made. It’s a day of behaving and a night of over indulging. It's what I do to satiate my fears. I overeat. It's what I do when I don't know what to do, when I'm bored, when I'm exhausted, and when I want to feel numb. I put food in my mouth until I'm uncomfortable, until it hurts, until it feels like I'm going to explode- why do I do this?

I see acknowledging that I have what I perceive as lack of control as an obsessive thought as the beginning to the end of my overeating issue. I know I have thousands of years of genes working against me as my ancestors would have no choice but to eat as much as they can whenever food was available. I’m not starving. I do sometimes feel deprived though because I grew up eating overly processed sugar filled addicting foods I can no longer eat. There’s turmoil between the indulgent person I used to be and the me now who is working on control, health and good habits.

Here and now I know that going forward with my goals of control and true understanding of my body’s nutritional needs won’t be easy. I know I’ll have to process the emotions I stuff back into my body with food. I’m ready to take this next step, clear my mind of the guilt associated with causing myself pain every,  time I binge.

I will be successful.

It will require determination and the will power, I question. I must replace my bad habit, overeating when nervous, anxious bored or upset with a more productive resolution. Instead I’ll attempt to open a dialect with myself. If I know i just ate I’ll ask, am I thirsty (if this is even a question I can ask I’ll drink a big glass of water and walk away from the kitchen)? Am I emotional? Am I truly hungry? I’ll attempt to distract myself with one small to do (like laundry or cleaning the bathroom) and one small I want to do (something on my list but for pleasure, like reading for fun or yoga). Hopefully this game plan will help me tackle the tendency to eat my anxiety.

 

Be honest with yourselves about where you struggle apples. Don’t let your fears be holding you back from your desires. I believe in you.

 

Apple out,

K. Sullivan

Kombucha (Part 3) – The Process

Kombucha (Part 3) – The Process

MAKING KOMBUCHA What you need: 2 ½ gallon glass jugs & 2 ½ Gallon resealable bottles (glass is important, its your friend’s home!) 6 480 ml Glass jars or bottles, if they have a tight seal that’s best so they can get fizzy during 2nd […]


Featured Post

What’s your story apple?

What’s your story apple?

I’ve felt the crushing weight of asthma as your lungs fill with inflammation leaving no room for air. I understand the inability to control your mind and mouth from following various rabbit trails as they hop sporadically through your head. I’m intimate with chronic pain and know she’s a cruel mistress, relentless in her pursuit of body destruction.

I’ve lived with a deep loneliness that at times fills me with cement and leaves me to rot in a bed. I’ve been frozen in fear, breathless and gasping for relief from my inner torment all the while wearing a smile on my face. I've had my intelligence questioned at moments where words would rather strangle me than roll off my tongue.

I deprived my body of food for days at a time in high school to feel skinny. I forced my body to ingest non stop during high stress moments in college. My weight has fluctuated at 5’6” from 90 pounds to 220 over the span of 15 years. I challenged my liver to binge drink professionally with the longest streak I don’t remember being roughly 14 days. I remember telling myself this is just what college kids did.

I gave away too much and don’t recall enough memories. I've been intimately abundant in alcohol consumption, dissociation and what I’ve blocked out from my childhood years due to trauma, death and exposure to addiction. I’ve felt broken. I’ve believed I was worthless because I was limited, unwell.

Asthma, ADHD, Anorexia, Addiction, Anxiety, Binge Eating, Depression, Interstitial Cystitis, Tension Headaches, Repetitive Strain Injuries (effecting my back, knees and wrists), Chronic Pain.

My diagnosis list is long and the shame I’ve felt about who I was in the past, is still existent but I know it doesn’t define me. I am not a label. I’ve chosen to heal, naturally. I’ve chosen to change. To pursue more meaning and make this life journey about being comfortable with who I am and the only home I’ll ever truly reside, my body. I’m resolved to be my best self. I use my experiences to educate myself on what they mean to me, others and ways to overcome these life circumstances.

I choose to disseminate the truth, my truth. I believe I’m on the path to learning to manage my conditions - both mental and physical - with natural medicine, remedies, activities and real healing. Who I choose to be in spite of all I suffer is a person worthy of love. I choose to be someone who believes the world is still beautiful, that nature gives us what we need to optimize how we feel and function.

This journey has not been easy but with supportive friends and steadfast determination in myself, I continue to persevere and move forward. I try to live in this moment and accept myself where I’m at. I know I can’t fix my body in a day but each day I get better at managing and mending. All of life is a practice, I’m making mine about health and healing.

My suffering led me to try new things. Through the use of The Rossiter System, Yamuna Body Rolling, Functional Fitness, Foam Rolling, training my mental health and other pain/stress management tools I’ve found ways to alleviate pain or discomfort. I studio the human body, my ailments and other's experiences in depth. I completely changed careers to focus on giving people a more pain free existence through the tools I've learned. I’ve chosen to pursue mastery in helping others overcome their own health ailments.

I will continue my education of the body to help share what I believe is effective truth about health and healing, here. I will share the struggle, the nightmare that can be this journey towards self mastery and health. I am on the correct path, set forth to seek healing my own body fully and sustain it for life. I’d like to help as many others as I can find success in their own body’s health and wellness.

Apple Out,

K. Sullivan