Pandemic 2020

Pandemic 2020

I think my whole system is in shock.

I know in some crevice of myself I need to talk about what’s happening to our world with this COVID19 "panic" pandemic, however “where to start” and “what to say” feels like speaking a foreign language. 

I’m no expert on viruses, their impact, or the human immune system. I’m just a lady with a history of trying to heal myself from autoimmune chronic illness, integrate years of trauma, and discover comfort in my only body. I’m capable of research and I spend my time learning how to heal these different aspects of myself and other people.

That being said, an area I obsess about is language. I’m also driven by perfectionism, anxiety, and OCD. How to cope with who I am in the midst of so much global turmoil, has me reverting back to a very distant land of dissociation. I’m clawing my way back to my body, refueling on my purpose, and trying not to be absorbed into the panic of a pandemic.

What I’ve noticed most is the seemingly vague, ambiguous wording surrounding the current state of our health crisis. Working in a natural healing public sphere, I don’t know how to talk to my clients about what we are all going through. I’ve noticed others as well dancing around terminology in regards to our current circumstances. 

“What strange times...

Interesting human experience...” 

“Our current, unique health situation...”

How do we discern the severity of a matter with watered down descriptions as our guide?


We are at war with something we cannot see and we cannot touch, and it’s killing members of the human community.

To me, it feels like nobody is calling it what it is, and it’s absolutely terrifying. Our lack of understanding about viruses in the lay population, combined with our middle class or impoverished population, meets the “I’m gonna do me” mental state so many of us have adapted as a culture. We are left with confusion, fear and isolation; all together -forced by our current crisis and our own self-imposed, pre-crisis, ‘yolo’ mindset.


It certainly is strange, not the crisis I mean, calling it that because that is exactly how I see it. It is strange how we’re reacting to a global health pandemic we’ve never seen before. You can almost see the black and deep purple edging of PTSD blanketing the world and all of our psyches. We are going to come out of this experience changed, permanently.

What really revs my engine is the fact that it took this for us to have awareness of how an illness can affect the entire world. Going to work, events, and other outings sick - no matter what level or type of sick - puts everyone at risk, including ourselves. There’s plenty of people in our population that require special treatment due to their weakened system. How many people have already been labeled diseased? If each of us owned caring for each of our individual body as a number one priority, my how the world would change. My hope would be that we change for the better. Maybe we can learn to respect ourselves, love our bodies and nourish them in healthy ways.

Maybe we can de-clutter our personal lives and our relationships and our self loathing tendencies.

Maybe we can reconnect with old friends and virtually engage with family near and far. 

Maybe we can rethink our health for our mental and physical selves.

Maybe we can find our individual purposes in new light, allowing each of us to impact and uplift humanity.

Maybe we will revisit this “I’m going to do me, and shit on everybody else mindset.”

Lets get to a place where we understand that we are all humans. We all have needs for safety, security, shelter, community, and love. We are designed for connection, I hope we can cultivate more of what that means during this trying time.

The only honest thing I hear from everyone consistently right now, as of March 29th, 2020, is this:

“It’s going to get worse, before it gets better.”

Maybe the “gets better” starts now, with each of us choosing to do what we can to shed light back into our individual selves and immediate communities.


I spent too much time numb to this experience already. I am afraid, but more than afraid, I’m determined. I want to be smart with my time. I want to honor my purpose and paint it in new colors. I want to wash away what’s nagging and dragging me down. I am steadfast in my decision to be more creative and further develop my skills as well as understanding of how to heal a human.

We are a resilient species. We will win this war on COVID19.


Apple out, 


K. Sullivan


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