Author: ksullivan

Stress: What It Does To You

Stress: What It Does To You

I thought I had it under control. I didn’t think I was letting it take over my body or my life. Turns out I was stifling and stuffing all along. Stress will kill you much faster than you’d choose to die. I see it in […]

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic

My Mom always told me, “Normal is just a setting on a washing machine.” I’m not crazy, though at times I feel out of my mind.   That doesn’t mean the experiences I’m having aren’t common in other people too. I have spent the past year […]

Facing Fears Seeking Solutions

Facing Fears Seeking Solutions

Right now, in this moment, I’m alive. 

I know that much to be true. The problem is, I’m afraid and stuck. Stagnant in my fear of what does this mean as I analyze each human body experience I am having and question what’s “normal” and what’s “healthy” and what’s “best for my unique body.”

The “what if” question always nags at me, and the fear of death and dying are always looming. Anxiety takes me to the place of a stubbed toe, resulting in a skin eating virus or bacteria that ultimately kills me. (That hasn’t happened, but the fear of it is real, all the while the toe throbs). I know each of us inevitably meets an end in this short span of human existence, but I’m afraid to face my own mortality. Isn’t everyone?

If I force myself to face what ails me - own all of my experiences and seek solutions to them, I’m left asking what if it really is permanent? What if I’m wrong and all my journey is for nothing, because I really am just broken and doomed to live life at the cost of quality? What if my life is left with mitigation of symptoms instead of a future I desire? What if we really only struggle and then die?

I’m in a dark place. Experiencing suffering, the likes of which make me hateful. Existing is already exhausting and adding layers to the misery with labels or potentials is frightening. 

I want answers. I want to believe there’s more to life than surviving; I repeat this desire to myself over and over again, but still don’t believe my own lie.

I feel like I should be able to thrive. I want to feel happy without the always present awareness of some symptom, issue, problem with my own body. I don’t care what other people SEE, what I feel is miserable more often than not.

How can some people not have as much pain, discomfort, complaints? Is it the genetic mutations? The code within my DNA? Or are we ignorant to how we should feel? Are we all buying into the “normal” setting as something achievable? Maintainable?

Is it truly my inability to manage stress? 

Money = STRESS

Health = STRESS

Existing = STRESS

Normal” doesn’t mean healthy just because it’s often experienced by a wide variety of people.

Then there’s money and finances; How can any one person pursue their healing - especially on a natural path while maintaining a full time job, high cost of living, and a consumerist culture? I’m struggling with it every fucking day.  So what’s next?

How can I be over this life and fear living it at the same time? 

How can I be so trapped in my own head by both symptoms and thoughts?

I’ve lost touch with reality and closed doors on friends because I don’t know how to communicate with anyone. You ask me how I’m doing and I lie. I’m not okay most days. 

All I see is gray. Wishing this fleeting moment would end, because I feel stuck in a loop.

Though my intentions are not to stay stuck in my own cycle; some days are harder than others to drag myself out of bed and move through the motions. I do it anyway; though I have fears I face them daily on my journey towards naturally healing and I only ever want the same for anybody else.

 

Apple out, 

K. Sullivan

Self Perception Obsession

Self Perception Obsession

I don’t see myself as. I took on fitness training in a functional fitness gym this last year. As a trainer, I gradually became more and more focused on changes I saw and those that I didn’t see fast enough, in my body. I know […]

The Narrator Challenge

The Narrator Challenge

 The notion started after I’d read the ever popular Secret by Rhonda Byrne several years back. I’d been struggling to integrate the concepts but failed to recognize some secret brain switch that flipped on the concept of your thoughts really manifesting your future. There was […]

You Are What You…

You Are What You…

...you eat.

If we listen to this old adage, it raises the question, So what are you? Tacos? Cheeseburgers? Veggies? Donuts? Self hate? Attempting perfectionism?

On a cellular level you really are how you’re nourished. If you’re feeding your cells sugar, GMO, pesticides...you’re toxic, sluggish, and weighed down.

You are what you ingest, this includes visual and mental nourishment too.Whatever is making its way into your conscious thought, is only a portion of what you’re ingesting. Your subconscious is absorbing everything: your environment, the background music and images.

These shape how you view yourself and your self-worth. If you’re feeding yourself gansta rap and hip hop constantly - will bitches ever be anything other than bitches?*

If you’re obsessed with Vogue and other fashion magazines, how can you see your own shape as healthy and whole, just as it is?

Face deep in sugar is basically asking your system to rebel against you slowly, and with extreme agony.

Do you feed yourself a playback real of your past? You know those times or that one person that’s no longer in your life. Regrets? Ever feed yourself your own story of regret?

Take a good look at your own life and see where your sadness comes from. I know I’m looking at mine with the intent being to enrich the parts of my life that maybe I’m feeding myself too much negativity. Is it music? Movies? Magazines? A story you tell yourself? How can you incorporate some happiness in more?

I’m tracking my food going into this year to better understand what my body needs to function optimally.

Furthermore, I’m tracking my mental/emotional state so I can piece together what nonsense I’m feeding myself in order to ensure it’s all organic and stimulating my cells and soul in just the right way.

What you put into your body, mind, and spirit matters deeply. As it’s directly reflected in your body.

 

Take care of yourselves apples,

K. Sullivan

 

Pain As A Catalyst

Pain As A Catalyst

As humans we easily become creatures of habit, comfort and denial. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? With people, I have found that one catalyst can be pain. Pain settling into your body can force change out of necessity. Discomfort will move […]

What Have You Lost?

What Have You Lost?

When I started this website, I never anticipated wanting to talk about death or loss as part of it. I know in previous posts I’ve referenced how your circle of friends and supporters might change as you start to change your lifestyle, and I think […]

It’s OKAY to say NO!

It’s OKAY to say NO!

I said “no” to the New Year’s Eve party invites.

I used excuses because I couldn’t bare the truth of “I really needed a night to focus on me, my home, my goals and my health.”

I knew I needed self care and a break - from people, from work, from endless to-do lists.

I was practicing what I preach and making self care the priority.

And I felt terrible about it.

 

Why did I feel shame and guilt for staying home?

Was it the “I have other plans” white lies?

Or was it for choosing sleep, over some insane cultural tradition of getting loaded and staying up late to kiss strangers, lovers or friends?

I’ve wanted nothing more than to feel normal over the past 5 years of healing.

Is normal going to the party or staying home for self care?

And somehow avoiding - choosing another option - had me feeling like a selfish, flaky let-down.

I have put all my efforts into trying to listen to my body and, by sheer will, treat it correctly.

That meant my night consisted of house cleaning, food prep, bodywork and a movie.

At times self care is difficult and it means saying “no” to a lot of things my former self would have jumped all over…. Like a New Year’s Eve party.

This all makes me feel guilty and ashamed, because I've changed as have my priorities.

Though, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for saying “no” to a beverage that makes me feel like a rotting walking corpse for 3 days. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not eating the cookies freshly baked, or for not being eager to hear anyone talk about pizza. I miss pizza and cheesy bread and cake and pie and cookies and chocolate - agh! -  all the time. I think about food and drink often. Sweet drinks that make you fuzzy and dissociate easily. That’s who I was.  Sometimes I miss her too, but that doesn’t mean the me I am now deserves to hear about how much more fun, or how cooler she was. I don’t need to be at parties where I won’t eat or drink anything you have and I’ll just wish I was elsewhere almost the entire time.

I may be different than who I was but I really like the me I'm be coming. And even with guilt and shame over saying "no" I know I'll process that and be glad I took care of myself rather than run myself ragged. It allows me to be my best more often and being successful daily rather than fun at night is what this next year and each year is all about, for me.

I implore anyone who would rather:

  • Reflect on your own.
  • Enjoy the time off solo.
  • Get caught up on life.
  • Or simply, rather do their own thing as an individual.
  • To do exactly that.

Decide what your top priorities are and focus on them with everything you have.

I have given myself 5 top priorities:

  1. Healing my body, mind and spirit.
  2. Always striving to be the best I can at my career as a Rossiter Coach, Yamuna Body Rolling Instructor, and Fitness Trainer.
  3. Writing and reading as a hobby, this year poetry specifically.
  4. Feeding relationships with family and friends who uplift me in more than one way. They are emotionally, physically, and mentally stimulating and non-judgmental. The ones that leave me feeling full and loved and strong.
  5. Self love, self care and self improvement.

I strongly believe it takes a village to make a person who they are and we all need social interaction. I believe in being selective with my village, though my love extends farther than my village...I also believe in reflection and delving inside yourself once in awhile to figure out what you need, who you really are and where you want to be going.

Also, forgive yourself for saying “yes” to the only person’s opinion you truly have to live with. Your own.

 

Apple out,

KS

Breathing with Anxiety

Breathing with Anxiety

As does the thought of anxiety or even simply breathing. The two are intertwined in an enigmatic dance battle. Am I the only person who has anxiety and asthma? Doubtful. Has anyone had an asthma attack triggered by anxiety? I have.   I recently told […]