It’s OKAY to say NO!

I used excuses because I couldn’t bare the truth of “I really needed a night to focus on me, my home, my goals and my health.”

I knew I needed self care and a break - from people, from work, from endless to-do lists.

I was practicing what I preach and making self care the priority.

And I felt terrible about it.

Why did I feel shame and guilt for staying home?

Was it the “I have other plans” white lies?

Or was it for choosing sleep, over some insane cultural tradition of getting loaded and staying up late to kiss strangers, lovers or friends?

I’ve wanted nothing more than to feel normal over the past 5 years of healing.

Is normal going to the party or staying home for self care?

And somehow avoiding - choosing another option - had me feeling like a selfish, flaky let-down.

I have put all my efforts into trying to listen to my body and, by sheer will, treat it correctly.

That meant my night consisted of house cleaning, food prep, bodywork and a movie.

At times self care is difficult and it means saying “no” to a lot of things my former self would have jumped all over…. Like a New Year’s Eve party.

This all makes me feel guilty and ashamed, because I've changed as have my priorities.

Though, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for saying “no” to a beverage that makes me feel like a rotting walking corpse for 3 days. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not eating the cookies freshly baked, or for not being eager to hear anyone talk about pizza. I miss pizza and cheesy bread and cake and pie and cookies and chocolate - agh! -  all the time. I think about food and drink often. Sweet drinks that make you fuzzy and dissociate easily. That’s who I was.  Sometimes I miss her too, but that doesn’t mean the me I am now deserves to hear about how much more fun, or how cooler she was. I don’t need to be at parties where I won’t eat or drink anything you have and I’ll just wish I was elsewhere almost the entire time.

I may be different than who I was but I really like the me I'm be coming. And even with guilt and shame over saying "no" I know I'll process that and be glad I took care of myself rather than run myself ragged. It allows me to be my best more often and being successful daily rather than fun at night is what this next year and each year is all about, for me.

I implore anyone who would rather:

• Reflect on your own.
• Enjoy the time off solo.
• Get caught up on life.
• Or simply, rather do their own thing as an individual.
• To do exactly that.

Decide what your top priorities are and focus on them with everything you have.

I have given myself 5 top priorities:

1. Healing my body, mind and spirit.
2. Always striving to be the best I can at my career as a Rossiter Coach, Yamuna Body Rolling Instructor, and Fitness Trainer.
3. Writing and reading as a hobby, this year poetry specifically.
4. Feeding relationships with family and friends who uplift me in more than one way. They are emotionally, physically, and mentally stimulating and non-judgmental. The ones that leave me feeling full and loved and strong.
5. Self love, self care and self improvement.

I strongly believe it takes a village to make a person who they are and we all need social interaction. I believe in being selective with my village, though my love extends farther than my village...I also believe in reflection and delving inside yourself once in awhile to figure out what you need, who you really are and where you want to be going.

Also, forgive yourself for saying “yes” to the only person’s opinion you truly have to live with. Your own.

Apple out,

KS