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Unavoidable Change

Unavoidable Change

Change is everything. It’s a permanent factor in our lives. Each moment brings with it the prospect of change. When I was first diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, my urologist informed me, “You have a disease you’ll now have for life but you’ll manage, you won’t […]

Going Unseen

Going Unseen

This week has been tough as an educator. It doesn’t matter if you teach public or private school, it’s been a tough start to 2018 for schools across the nation. Personally, after Wednesday’s school shooting, as I left school for the next day knowing I […]

Think Before You Speak

Think Before You Speak

A lesson we’ve heard since we were little: Think before you speak. It’s pretty common knowledge, but it is never really followed much these days. With the ability to hide behind social media, everyone seems to be saying what they want however unkind and untrue it is. People are becoming more and more bold with what they say to your face without even thinking.

Seems like a normal question to ask a married couple or even a couple after they have had one child right?

Well, what if there’s more to the story? What if it’s private? What if we had been trying and struggling? What if I just want one kid? What if (God forbid) we had a miscarriage we were trying to figure out if we wanted to go through that emotional turmoil again? What if I recently found out I couldn’t have another baby?

Of course I don’t expect to know everyone’s life story before I ask questions like this, but it is very personal to ask when someone is either going to have their first kid or even have a second. I have made plenty of slip ups in the past. I remember specifically driving home from a movie with a friend and making a comment about how I was worried that if I went off the pill I would become pregnant instantly to a friend who could have been trying to have her first baby for several months or years. *Facepalm* How could I have been so naive about this?

I have another friend I worked with in college who married her college sweetheart almost ten years ago. They don’t have kids. I know she would make an excellent mother and he would make an amazing father, but I will not for the life of me ask them why they haven’t had kids yet. Why? Maybe I misread the situation and they never wanted kids, and instead they wanted to be the cool aunt and uncle. Maybe they have been trying, but there are other medical issues going on. I refuse to ask her though because I don’t want to accidentally rip open a barely healed wound of whether or not they are choosing to have kid.  

When I found out I was pregnant with Addison, I told one of my best friends and co worker without even a second thought of how she had mentioned that they had been trying for a year and half to have a second baby. Everyone on her facebook feed had been announcing that they were pregnant. Then I was the asshole chick with an accidental pregnancy panicking about what the world would think of a recently engaged woman that couldn’t keep it in her pants long enough to be married first.

After I had Addison another coworker had a miscarriage just weeks before her due date… I was out sick the day it happened and I remember feeling so crushed for her. I cannot imagine the pain she felt losing that baby, but I have snuggled my little girl a little more ever since. I never once asked this coworker do you think you will try again because the pain she must have felt losing a child, that close to her due date, had to of almost killed her.

I was recently asked myself if Ryan and I wanted to have another by a mom at Addison’s daycare. She is currently expecting her second, so it seems natural to ask another mom in seemingly good health when and if we were planning on having more kids. Right?

I am here to tell you that you could be very much mistaken. I know several women that have been asked when they will have a child or some variation of it that get into their car later to drive home and break down crying because while it is appears to be an innocent question it is one of the fastest ways you can cut out a woman’s heart because with an empty womb she could already dying inside.

I beg of you to think before you inquire about something so intimate. Think of the love that fills your heart as a mom before you ask another woman about a potential pregnancy, regardless of her number of children and your intent: Think before you speak.

Later apples,

L. Bohlinger

Just Below The Surface Panic

Just Below The Surface Panic

It’s looming and crawling beneath. It’s the reason I can feel my arm hairs raise with the goosebumps as they create a braille like story of my anxiousness, tattooed by my own subconscious across my skin. It’s the just below the surface panic I feel […]

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

It's occurred to me that not everyone may know what Interstitial cystitis (IC) is. I’m going to ask you to imagine an experience. This experience should feel traumatic, scary and overwhelming. Delve into your imagination and envision burning, urgent discomfort. Agony bursts through to your […]

Workplace Etiquette

Workplace Etiquette

A new employee at the office sitting right next to me has me questioning office etiquette.

What makes others most comfortable?

Why am I so uncomfortable?

How can I be myself in the midst of constantly meeting someone new in the workplace?

 

I know I’m a social creature stuck in a clerical job lacking real social interaction but I can’t help wondering what others view as acceptable office etiquette. Questions rattling my head - do you greet your co workers? Saying, Goodbye? Hello? How are you? Ask questions like: How are you doing? How was your lunch? In your office environment, do you make friends?

I spent most of my time in my 20s on a mission at my job - to get paid. I worked technical support for 8 years at one company in my 20s. I’d adapted the mentality that I was at my job to work, not make friends. Somewhere along the way I’d still managed to make friends even wearing a rock hard RBF, after 8 years, people start to stick. However changing jobs I became an outsider. The girls who’d known each other for years where a clique. I was new. I tried my old routine - here to make money, not friends. But after finding lifelong friends in several of my previous coworkers I felt empty at that lack of a consistent daily support system.  

Change jobs and the mindset carried over. It took me months to open up. Why? What was I so scared of? Even a year and a half later I still obsess over whether or not I say hi. Ask them about their lives or if I continue to rock the stone cold bitch face, headphones in and loathe this experience. Am I missing out on potential friends and relationships because I’m waiting for someone else to break the ice? I feel like an extrovert stuck in an introverts obsessive anxiety.

If you see me at the office, don’t let my face be the reason you don’t talk to me (or anyone for that matter). I could be in pain, I could be in my own head, or I could be waiting for a reason to smile. Maybe all it takes is that hello from you to change my expression.

Apple out,

K. Sullivan

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic (A Poem) Whenever I see my Physician for Diagnostic maintenance I remind her, Steadfast, I’m not interested in drugs. I only want to feel differently, better Than I presently do. Some nights I Go to bed terrified, anxious I won’t Rise for the next […]

A Day In Hell

A Day In Hell

I hear my alarm and close my eyes tightly. A stream of intense emotions hits me at once ranging from complete self loathing, disgust with my body, fear of my continued suffering experience – to guilt, despair, and shame about how useless I believe myself […]

Turn Auto Pilot Off

Turn Auto Pilot Off

Starting this New Year asking questions like...

How automatic are you in your day, in your life? How do you respond to the world around you?

What patterns do you have?

Do you compromise yourself physically with repetitive trauma, like carrying groceries in the same single hand and keys in the other every time you go to the grocery store? Or a baby on the same hip?

What about your mental habits? Where’s your head at? What are you consuming through television and social media? How often are you participating in the negative self talk conflict going on between your ears?

Are you in touch with what your body's needs? Do you listen to it when it’s asking for water, motion or rest? Are you able to determine how different foods affect your mood? What goes into your mouth out of routine, convenience and ignorance?

What words are coming out of it because of compulsion?

Where are you with your goals, your successes, your desires and your self worth going into the new year? How are you going to assess what to do to make yourself the best version of you it can be going into 2018?

You don’t have to wait until the new year to start making small changes. If you’re looking for a time to step up and start your best life ever, why not make it now?

I changed my life this last year, I completely altered my diet, I made self care an actual routine and effort. I restored my faith in myself and my abilities to prevail. I’m still really fair from where I’d like to be: healed, at peace and wise. However, I’m much further than I was when I was fighting change instead of embracing it. For me, my new year will hopefully bring further spiritual assessment, connecting with the earth and myself on a mental, physical and emotional level. I want to be my own advocate and friend more. I’d like to be kinder and less exhausted by stress and anxiety. I’m meeting myself where I’m at. Making goals lists and returning to them daily. I’m learning new discipline for study and self habits. I’m reading more and zoning out less. I’m embracing the changes coming and willingly accepting life as it unfolds each moment.

I’d recommend, you get your yourself a mind health read (or listen) on.  Authors like Brene Brown (My sister suggested her) and David Burns (my psychologist recommended), for an adventure in self discovery and emotional healing. Or take advantage of all the free resources on YouTube, Tony Robins, Les Brown, TedX speakers, free Audible options... etc. There's unlimited free resources I'm going to work harder at taking advantage of. 

Succeeding at your goals, whatever size require commitment, small changes, patience, and time. Give yourself those things and you’ll be successful. The snowball effect will help keep your momentum going.

It’s up to you to decide to improve yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Take charge of where your life is going and your body in the new year.

Get your mind right get your body right. Set your habits straight and be your best self. I believe in you.

This apple is eagerly jumping into the new year!

Apple Out 2017,

K. Sullivan

I Let It Fester, Resentment.

I Let It Fester, Resentment.

Resentment is killing me in a slow burn from the core out. It’s deeply seated in my subconscious working the gears to my thought process and decision making. Once I recognized how intimately intertwined with resentment I am, I realized I resent damn near everything […]