Recent Posts

Kombucha (Part 2) – What is it?

Kombucha (Part 2) – What is it?

What is Kombucha? A fermented beverage containing beneficial bacteria in the form of yeast. According to SeedsOfHealth.com, “The first recorded use of kombucha comes from China in 221 BC during the Tsin Dynasty. It was known as “The Tea of Immortality”. It has been used […]

Kombucha (Part 1) – My Experience

Kombucha (Part 1) – My Experience

You see it in grocery stores and gas stations, you hear it floating around as a healthy. It’s a fermented food option to help restore good gut microbes; it’s Kombucha. My experience with making my own Kombucha: I’ve spent the past year immersed in listening […]

High Functioning Anxiety.

High Functioning Anxiety.

High Functioning, Anxiety.

The trouble with suffering through high functioning anxiety

Is believing that all your flustered feelings are your own fault

You’re less, being less productive than your expectations expect.

Further troubling is the inability to realize your own limits

As the belief that you should be limitless rests in your core

All the while nagging, reminding you of your shortcomings.

You believe you’re capable of greatness, of being extra in the

World of ordinary. What you forget is that you’re human

Riddled with flaws and imperfections that speak volumes

To who you are and what you’ve experienced and yet

You don’t accept them. You fight them off with tense lies.

You hunch your shoulders, you type faster, you fill the seconds

Of your days with to dos. Your mind is made of lists.

Lists of ways you should be better. Lists of tasks you’ve yet to do.

Lists of ways to improve. Always learning and you're never enough.

Filling your mind with should dos and musts, creating

A surreal world in which you wish to make real.

Stifle those emotions, pocket that feeling for later.

High functioning anxiety means the world views you

As a success while looking beyond the messy messed

Up real version that is you. The about to crumble into a

Lump of I can’t you. The you that is on the verge of tears

At the thought of all you’d like to accomplish while being

Smacked with realization that you have limits. You require

A routine, self care, breaks and sleep. You’re not

Perfect in a superhuman sense. You’re perfectly imperfect

And fighting your own imperfections with keeping busy.

You’re functioning, you’re on a path that’s yours.

All the while you’re shaking from fear, anxiously

Nibbling away at the core of your being. You’re stressed.

You won’t let them see you fall apart as long as

You, your hands, your lists keep you in motion.

You ignore the downtime you scheduled in your

Calendar because you’re not ready to break, down.

Keep functioning, set the bar high. Keep doing more.

Keep an everlasting list of busy to avoid thinking.

Manage your anxiety by micromanaging your managing.

Chew your lip while you poor your conscious onto

A rough draft of your blank slated brain. Be you but

Be better. Don’t be good, be your best. Be THE best.

Just keep doing, keep being High Functioning Anxiety. 

Unavoidable Change

Unavoidable Change

Each moment brings with it the prospect of change. When I was first diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, my urologist informed me, “You have a disease you’ll now have for life but you’ll manage, you won’t die from this but it will require changes in your […]

Going Unseen

Going Unseen

This week has been tough as an educator. It doesn’t matter if you teach public or private school, it’s been a tough start to 2018 for schools across the nation. Personally, after Wednesday’s school shooting, as I left school for the next day knowing I […]

Think Before You Speak

Think Before You Speak

A lesson we’ve heard since we were little: Think before you speak. It’s pretty common knowledge, but it is never really followed much these days. With the ability to hide behind social media, everyone seems to be saying what they want however unkind and untrue it is. People are becoming more and more bold with what they say to your face without even thinking.

Seems like a normal question to ask a married couple or even a couple after they have had one child right?

Well, what if there’s more to the story? What if it’s private? What if we had been trying and struggling? What if I just want one kid? What if (God forbid) we had a miscarriage we were trying to figure out if we wanted to go through that emotional turmoil again? What if I recently found out I couldn’t have another baby?

Of course I don’t expect to know everyone’s life story before I ask questions like this, but it is very personal to ask when someone is either going to have their first kid or even have a second. I have made plenty of slip ups in the past. I remember specifically driving home from a movie with a friend and making a comment about how I was worried that if I went off the pill I would become pregnant instantly to a friend who could have been trying to have her first baby for several months or years. *Facepalm* How could I have been so naive about this?

I have another friend I worked with in college who married her college sweetheart almost ten years ago. They don’t have kids. I know she would make an excellent mother and he would make an amazing father, but I will not for the life of me ask them why they haven’t had kids yet. Why? Maybe I misread the situation and they never wanted kids, and instead they wanted to be the cool aunt and uncle. Maybe they have been trying, but there are other medical issues going on. I refuse to ask her though because I don’t want to accidentally rip open a barely healed wound of whether or not they are choosing to have kid.  

When I found out I was pregnant with Addison, I told one of my best friends and co worker without even a second thought of how she had mentioned that they had been trying for a year and half to have a second baby. Everyone on her facebook feed had been announcing that they were pregnant. Then I was the asshole chick with an accidental pregnancy panicking about what the world would think of a recently engaged woman that couldn’t keep it in her pants long enough to be married first.

After I had Addison another coworker had a miscarriage just weeks before her due date… I was out sick the day it happened and I remember feeling so crushed for her. I cannot imagine the pain she felt losing that baby, but I have snuggled my little girl a little more ever since. I never once asked this coworker do you think you will try again because the pain she must have felt losing a child, that close to her due date, had to of almost killed her.

I was recently asked myself if Ryan and I wanted to have another by a mom at Addison’s daycare. She is currently expecting her second, so it seems natural to ask another mom in seemingly good health when and if we were planning on having more kids. Right?

I am here to tell you that you could be very much mistaken. I know several women that have been asked when they will have a child or some variation of it that get into their car later to drive home and break down crying because while it is appears to be an innocent question it is one of the fastest ways you can cut out a woman’s heart because with an empty womb she could already dying inside.

I beg of you to think before you inquire about something so intimate. Think of the love that fills your heart as a mom before you ask another woman about a potential pregnancy, regardless of her number of children and your intent: Think before you speak.

Later apples,

L. Bohlinger

Just Below The Surface Panic

Just Below The Surface Panic

It’s the reason I can feel my arm hairs raise with the goosebumps as they create a braille like story of my anxiousness, tattooed by my own subconscious across my skin. It’s the just below the surface panic I feel in silent moments, or loud […]

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

What is Interstitial Cystitis?

I’m going to ask you to imagine an experience. This experience should feel traumatic, scary and overwhelming. Delve into your imagination and envision burning, urgent discomfort. Agony bursts through to your brain’s pain center, telling you there’s knives slicing up your midsection. Your most intimate […]

Workplace Etiquette

Workplace Etiquette

A new employee at the office sitting right next to me has me questioning office etiquette.

What makes others most comfortable?

Why am I so uncomfortable?

How can I be myself in the midst of constantly meeting someone new in the workplace?

 

I know I’m a social creature stuck in a clerical job lacking real social interaction but I can’t help wondering what others view as acceptable office etiquette. Questions rattling my head - do you greet your co workers? Saying, Goodbye? Hello? How are you? Ask questions like: How are you doing? How was your lunch? In your office environment, do you make friends?

I spent most of my time in my 20s on a mission at my job - to get paid. I worked technical support for 8 years at one company in my 20s. I’d adapted the mentality that I was at my job to work, not make friends. Somewhere along the way I’d still managed to make friends even wearing a rock hard RBF, after 8 years, people start to stick. However changing jobs I became an outsider. The girls who’d known each other for years where a clique. I was new. I tried my old routine - here to make money, not friends. But after finding lifelong friends in several of my previous coworkers I felt empty at that lack of a consistent daily support system.  

Change jobs and the mindset carried over. It took me months to open up. Why? What was I so scared of? Even a year and a half later I still obsess over whether or not I say hi. Ask them about their lives or if I continue to rock the stone cold bitch face, headphones in and loathe this experience. Am I missing out on potential friends and relationships because I’m waiting for someone else to break the ice? I feel like an extrovert stuck in an introverts obsessive anxiety.

If you see me at the office, don’t let my face be the reason you don’t talk to me (or anyone for that matter). I could be in pain, I could be in my own head, or I could be waiting for a reason to smile. Maybe all it takes is that hello from you to change my expression.

Apple out,

K. Sullivan

Psychosomatic

Psychosomatic

Whenever I see my Physician for Diagnostic maintenance I remind her, Steadfast, I’m not interested in drugs. I only want to feel differently, better Than I presently do. Some nights I Go to bed terrified, anxious I won’t Rise for the next day. When I […]